Edward's Wonderful World of Women and Children
by Silverbell Kitten
Summary: Edward is not good with women. He is not good with children. So please join the Fullmetal Alchemist on his new life of ups and downs. Something far more complex than the gate itself. Marriage...! EdxWinry /Warning:Edo will often get off topic...Tsk tsk.
1. I'm not good at this

Z-Chan: Not much to say, aside from… There may be spoilers, so that's your fair warning. If you do not like EdxWinry, don't read this. If you do, feel free.

Disclaimer- I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. I wish I did!

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I never was very good with children. The most I could get out of them was a giggle or a smile. Mind you, each time this happened, it was usually at my expense. Meaning I was either being flattened by a giant mutt, or a ridiculous amount of words would stumble out of my mouth at such a high speed, who could help but laugh? My temper, which usually made many uneasy around me, has somehow proved to be amusing to children as well. It's no wonder I'm not the best with them, right?

However, this somehow didn't stop me from having my own down the line. Now mind you, I have no idea how this happened. I wish I could actually believe that ridiculous story of children being delivered by those big, ugly birds. What's it called? A stork or something? That or having a crib magically poof into the spare bedroom and have it include a baby. Maybe this would have helped me cope with it more. But I am an alchemist, so I could never believe in something so childish. Science is the way to go. And since I believe so strongly in science, I don't think I have to explain to you how a baby is really born. I don't need anybody trying to get any strange images in their head.

Anyways, it's clearly obvious you all now know that I have a small person to raise and try to teach the ways of the world. Everyone is nervous for some reason, but I guess that's expected. I don't have a clue what I'm doing. It shouldn't be that hard, right? Hold it when it cries, stick a bottle in its mouth if that doesn't work, and if all else fails, I can take her to the mother. She was always better about this kind of thing anyways. But I guess women always are. I have seen plenty of mothers, and I never fail to see how natural they are with caring for children. At least most of them anyways.

Before I go on about my fascinating experience with my child, I should at least tell you who actually was unlucky enough to marry me. For all of you yaoi fangirls, I would like to make it clear that I was _not _the one who was actually carrying the baby for nine months. No, I'm not married with that bastard, Roy Mustang. And I also did not manage to somehow get my brother pregnant. I don't even want to know how a male could even deliver a baby. And don't make suggestions either. I would rather not hear them. Anyways, about the unlucky lady… I'll bet you are all making all sorts of guesses. I took out two so far, so maybe you could take it from here? What are some first guesses? Winry? Rose? Maybe Armony by some amazing miracle? Or do your interests skyrocket when I mention the lieutenant? Envy doesn't count either, sorry. As amusing as it would be to see Envy as a girl, I'd rather we didn't go into that. Not this time at least.

Now the smart thing to do would be to leave you here right now so you all could moan and groan about how I didn't even give you the answer. Maybe even let you all try to argue amongst yourselves on who could possibly be better for me or worse. That's mentioned when you're married, isn't it? But, I'll be nice to you all this time around. But first let's discuss why the others just wouldn't work.

Let's start with Armony. Assuming some of you don't know who that is, I'll explain. Armony was my apprentice awhile back, who not only insulted me about my height, but also decided to use my face as a pillow for her butt when she fell from a ledge, picking flowers. I love to calculate that sometimes too. I wonder how my luck is that bad. I don't see how out of the entire mass of rocks and land, she managed to squish me. You people all tell me I'm small, so I refuse to understand how it works. But now that I have explained who the marvelous girl is, you'll now hear the reasons why it's impossible for her to be the one I married. The most obvious reason, being that Armony passed away. It's not something I would like to talk about, so let's leave it at that. But if she were, let me explain why it still wouldn't work. That girl was like an annoying sister to me. She whined and pleaded with me every hour to teach her alchemy. Mind you, her father didn't want her learning about any of it. The reasons are not something I care to go into either. Either way, she was not relationship material for me. Nobody was during that time, as a matter of fact.

Moving on…

I guess we'll just go on about the lieutenant. Meaning Lieutenant Hawkeye, in case there was some 'misunderstanding'. I would not even consider marrying the one with a cigarette permanently stuck in his mouth. Remember the talk we had about men having babies? It's not happening. So let me go through the reasons for her next…First off, don't you think I'm a little out of her age limit? I'm not calling her old, but let's let her try her luck with that bastard colonel. The lieutenant also feels like some sort of strict aunt I have to visit ever so often. Don't you dare ever think for one second, that I will call Mustang, uncle either. And I also would not appreciate having a gun pointed at my forehead every time I offended her somehow. Now these reasons may not be legit enough for you, but they work for me. And last I checked, it was my decision on who I wanted to marry in the end. So another explanation out of the way, I'm going to move on to the next one.

Sweet, soft, and gentle Rose. Her gentle personality with her undying faith with god is something many can't even begin to try to match. Surely, Rose is the one for me. She speaks her mind about things she believes in. She even likes to quote me on 'moving forward'. I won't lie to you all, assuming you're even listening anymore. Rose is a beautiful, young woman. I am very capable of complimenting people, in case I just shocked you. However, Rose and I are just friends. I can appreciate many things she does in her life. Raising her son is something I'm very impressed with. But I think I can support her just as a friend. We're too different, and I'm not exactly religious. She goes to church nowadays, you know? I think she would prefer it if her boyfriend or husband would actually attend with her. That's something I just refuse to do. So as sweet and kind as she is, I don't think it works for us.

Now, I would humor you all with other females, though I don't exactly have a list on me. If you would care to mention a few, I might describe an explanation later on as to why those just won't work either. In fact… You all should be smart enough to know why anyways. I'm married now! I may not be experienced with the romantic world, but I am not that dense. I am aware that being 'faithful' in these kinds of things is important.

So, though my explanation was supposed to be about the new small person, I think I wandered off and started speaking about girls. I'm not too proud of this, but I had to explain. But at least now I can tell you who the unlucky one is…

Winry Rockbell.

And I'll bet some of you are screaming, glaring, cooing or smiling right now. I guess that's nice. I also know that some of you who aren't too happy with my decision are probably asking me why? As happy and as flattered as Winry would be, I'd rather not go into detail about it. I think you guys know enough about me anyways, which is creepy enough. But for the sake of making her feel a little special, I'll throw in some things.

Winry Rockbell annoys the hell out of me. She complains at me, cries all the time, and adores machinery more than jewelry like most girls. She also most likely gave me brain damage with that wrench of hers, which most likely led me to marrying her in the first place. She now feels she can squeal every time I remove my shirt since we're… together and all. I'd like to note she did that before anyways. Though I think it was the joy of seeing her great automail again. Unless it was those times I broke it. That squeal could easily turn into a screech, you know. My childhood friend also rejected me years ago when I asked to marry her. I don't feel too bad, because she turned down Al too. Winry also tends to like having a foot massage here and there. Now, in my personal opinion, I think I have better things to do than rub someone's feet. It doesn't matter how beautiful the girl is either. A foot is still a foot, and it's not a pleasant job. My list could also go on with how many problems I have with her too. But if it did, I am aware that another wrench to the head would be in my near future. So, I'll be smart about this and get to actually flattering her.

Winry Rockbell is a compassionate, hard working, beautiful, young woman. A woman who is like a rose in a garden of weeds. Her eyes blue and as extraordinary as the sky itself. Blonde hair as golden as the sun. And skin as soft as silken sheets.

You know I didn't write that, right?

Well I'd like to claim I did the garden of weeds part. Al did the rest. He claims that if I tried to compliment Winry it would just make her angry. He's probably right. So I can just nod and agree with whatever Al said up there and just smile. Winry will never know, unless she reads this… Any of you show her this, and I'll hunt you down myself. I bet some of you would actually like that though.

You know, I never knew I could write this much. At least not about this kind of stuff. Did anybody notice that I haven't even gotten to talk about the small person that I get to raise?

Are any actual guys reading this? Or am I just attracting female readers?

Whatever, I don't care anymore. The point I was trying to make was supposed to be that I wasn't good with children. But now that I have ultimately failed with that, I'll have to try again next time. I guess kids aren't the only thing I'm not good with…

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Edward: I hate you. Why did you even make me do this? I'm not even marri-

Z-Chan: Shhh! Shut up! You're still dating!

Edward: It's not marriage! And I don't have a kid either!

Z-Chan: Well you do in here…

Edward:…………

Z-Chan: Now everyone! Questions, comments? For me? For Edo? For…Uh…Winry?

Edward: Any flames will be used for those tasty things you roast at camp.


	2. Pop the Question

I knew that question was going to pop up somewhere among you fangirls. One of you squeaky, starry eyed creatures decided to let curiosity kill you. I try to talk about my life in marriage and you all now demand to know about how it actually came to.

How did I propose to Winry?

Or rather one of you actually asked Winry how I proposed to her. I'm going to answer for her this once, because I think I explain it better. She would tell a sob story, and have you all feeling sorry for her.

You all are just waiting for a juicy story, aren't you? I also know that the lot of you are also hoping to hear me screw up along the way and laugh. That's how you fans are. Do you see why we can't be friends? You snicker and smirk at my unfortunate accidents. Every small problem I encounter in my day somehow makes yours better. You're all selfish, you know that?

Anyways, I suppose I don't mind talking about it. Just don't coo or anything, alright? I get enough of it from the girls I actually have to live around and visit.

Now then… It's not like it was anything surprising. I was dating Winry for a few months before I actually decided to ask her. Like I said, I don't even know why I did. Brain damage, remember? Though I suppose I can admit, grudgingly, that I enjoy her company to some extent. Anyways, this actually happened one unexpected night. I had planned on something a little more romantic, but as you know, things never go my way. Winry was busy hovering over her work table as usual. I was burying my nose into another alchemy book. I knew most of the stuff down to the last word and definition, but that never mattered much to me. As long as it wasn't that old one called 'Introduction to Alchemy'. I have read that book enough times to make my head spin. It reminds me a bit too much about the past anyways.

I'm getting off topic again, aren't I?

Alright, so she was sitting in her work space, and I was sitting in mine. That's the couch, by the way. Apparently she had a problem with that. It was that, or she was merely having a bad day with those screws and bolts. Even though I assumed she didn't want to be bothered that night, she cared to ultimately disagree. The first thing she had decided to do was snatch my humble book away from me. I was already confused and slightly annoyed by this, but I kept my temper in check. I was more than close to reaching a good part. Now I realize that I know the book like the back of my hand, but actually seeing the words makes it more than worth it. I couldn't see them anymore, since Winry had confiscated my book. She gave me that glare. The one that tells me that I did something wrong. I don't actually see how this is possible though. If reading a book and sitting on a couch bothers her, I should start ranting about her obsession with automail next time around. I considered this our quiet time, you see. So I, who usually does not like to sit around and do nothing, preferred it this once.

You wanna know what her problem was? Do you really want to know?

She wanted to go on a walk.

I am not kidding with you nosy people. Winry actually wanted to take a walk. That's harmless enough, isn't it? There's nothing wrong with a small evening walk, is there? But here was the problem. The problem you girls all seem to believe we guys have a special talent for.

Sensing a girl's need for attention or affection through simple stares and glares. Sometimes even placing the hands on those hips of yours, while looking down at us, as though we actually know what you want.

Newsflash for you pixies… We don't. We really don't.

For all we know, you could be wanting another damn foot massage or a nice rub through your hair. You may want those soft whispers in your ear, or those annoying chocolates with additional flowers. That or you may just want to be 'held'. There's also the off chance that we were ignoring you, and you're just angry with us or something.

So now do you see what I'm getting at?

My dear, sweet Winry, who I know is very intelligent, somehow believes that I could sense her need to go on this walk. Last I checked, my future wife was not a dog. And another thing that bothers me about this. I did mention I was reading a book, right? When you're reading a book, usually your attention is on the pages inside of it. Meaning that your focus is on the words in that book, correct?! So how the hell did I know she wanted to go on a walk?!

Oh, that's right. I'm supposed to sense that kind of thing, huh?

The hell I am!

I didn't sense anything except for the bad mood when I had my book taken away from me. I could now tell because my eyes could finally focus on her. They were no longer able to scan over appealing words of alchemic text. Instead, they now were forced to look upon those blue eyes of doom. She even had her hands on her hips too! Something I notice a lot of girls do for some reason when they're mad at me. I guess it makes them look more intimidating. My teacher used to do it a lot, so I guess I can understand.

Basically, Winry insisted that she had been giving me pleading eyes for over an hour during our 'quiet time'. Let me remind you that I wasn't even looking at her. And assuming you all know how I act when I read, you will know that I don't tend to hear anything either. So that also will count out the miserable whines and squeaks she tried to throw at me through that entire hour. So with all of that not noticed, Winry had decided to believe that I was bent on just flat out ignoring her. Needless to say, I got yelled at, complained at, and even had that goddamn wrench waved threateningly over my head. Somewhere along that line, I got kicked too. This was no girly kick either. Winry is a mechanic, let us all remember. Her touches are not exactly gentle and soft when she attempts to beat the hell out of me from time to time.

Now you see, if Winry was explaining this, she would have somehow freakishly justified everything she did. You all would have felt sorry for her, and shaking your head at me. I have a feeling you're already doing that anyways. You people irritate me…

So now after I had been reduced to a shriveling, angry monster, I had managed to somehow attempt to defend myself. Defending myself includes, shouting, cursing, flailing, glaring, and snarling. And somewhere through all of that, I had decided to shove that tiny box into her hands. Mind you, I had planned for this to be far more delicate and romantic, but I insisted that she was being unfair and cruel to me. So my proposal was basically a guilt trip for complaining at me. Are you all satisfied? Does this make you happy? I bet you aren't all cooing like you wanted to!

But Winry was for some reason… You see, she just stared at it for longer than I care to remember. Then she took an even longer time opening it. This was probably the only time I saw her eyes sparkle at the sight of a ring. Her moods were like a tornado after that too. She cried, she squealed, and then she cried again.

That was anticlimactic, wasn't it? Well good, I don't want to satisfy you fangirls anyways!

And you wanna know what else?! That damn Winry never even went on that walk with me! All that screaming for nothing! I also never even managed to talk about my new small person either for this chapter! You fangirls piss me off! Winry pisses me off! I'm leaving and when I come back, I'm going to actually talk about the mini one in our house! And for once, it's not me!

…. I'll be back when Winry actually gives _me_ a massage.

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Silverbell: You know Edo really did leave for that massage just now. Anywho folks, hope you liked it! Reviews are more than appreciated! Questions for me, Edo, or Winry are always welcomed. Um… Stay tuned! XD


	3. Military Party and Morning Sickness

I got the massage I deserved, so I reluctantly decided to return.

In case the first few chapters weren't clue enough, I'm going to bring you new readers to speed. I have no idea why you would actually skip the first half and come read this part instead, but whatever makes you happy. First of all, I'm married. I'm married to Winry Rockbell. Winry Rockbell, who decided to keep her last name, because she thought it sounded nicer than mine. Nice girl, isn't she? I also have a kid somehow. Which was supposed to be the topic on the first chapter, but I got carried away by talking about women. My second chapter somehow went further back… Don't squeal, girls. It was only a blunt explanation.

Now then, instead of diving in about the new, small addition to my family, how about I actually discuss the actual night? When I say this, I mean the night of birth, not the night of conception. I don't intend to share my 'intimate' times with any of you. You all would enjoy that too much... So now when I say the night of birth, I imagine you all are thinking about a whimpering Winry, and all hell let loose in the building.

Am I right?

I can applaud you on this, because you are correct. It was more than just hell. It was quite possibly the gate and hell merged together. Not only was Winry screaming, but I believe everybody in the room was proving to be more than worthless. Alphonse was no help, surprisingly. My dear brother decided to stay in a far corner, shivering as though he were some sort of human leaf. Sparky with the gloves, chose to stand and stare for some reason. I told you the bastard was useless. The rain isn't the only thing that stops him apparently. Lieutenant Hawkeye was actually taking 'crowd control'.

Did I mention we were attending a military party that night?

Armstrong was busy blubbering about the 'lovely miracle', with tears and sparkles included. Fuery was shaking in the corner with Alphonse, Havoc lost his cigarette, Falman was attempting to explain a pregnancy, and Breda was eating donuts at the nearest table. You don't even want to know what everyone else was doing. Let's look at it this way… They weren't helping.

As for me…

I had managed to somehow get Winry comfortable with all of this chaos around us. After that, I think I only remember staring and telling her to simply 'breath'. To which she just shouted at me and actually used my hair as something to tug onto to release her pain and agony. I have no idea why neither of my hands were used instead, but this was what she wanted. I at least thought the automail would comfort her, but I'm still guessing I'm wrong. My blonde hair seemed to be far more appealing.

In any case, we all somehow managed to get to the hospital. Supposedly I was led there by that sobbing brute, Armstrong. Of course I don't remember. I was most likely trying to still figure out how this had actually happened. To this day, I still wonder.

Now let's stop for a moment…

How do you think I felt? Were any of you even taking the time to care, or were you snickering and giggling at my pain? I think you people were all highly amused for some strange reason. My wife is close to delivering, on the verge of tears, and you silly fangirls are enjoying it. Do you feel ashamed of yourself? You should.

I've now decided to tell you about my constant thoughts while I made my way to the hospital, instead of the silent buzz that I had felt midway after I finally came to terms on what was actually happening. I was trying to figure out what would be worse in the end. Could it be possibly Winry while she was pregnant, or after the baby was actually out? I want to go with the second one, but you really have no idea how she was when she was carrying our baby. And since the walk felt like an eternity, I'll share with you my first part of the scale. I'll let you decide eventually which one is actually worse.

Winry was a monstrous beast when she was pregnant. I understand that women get those odd cravings from time to time, but she just took it on a whole other level. What I mean by this was her obsession with our cabinets of food. I would like to think that she was unique from other women, though I'm beginning to piece something together. You see, usually I'm a heavy sleeper, who could snore and snooze through a twister invading my room. Maybe even a stampede of chimeras. There are only a few things in this world that could actually rouse me from this slumber.

One: You call me short.

Two: You call me for dinner.

Three: You give me a wife to take care of beside me, who I am supposed to protect with my life.

This is definitely pointing to number three up there. I would have preferred two, but I don't get fed unless I care for her and give her cuddles and all of those things that girls like. So three must come first, unless I wanna starve. The first one should never even be mentioned when I'm _awake_. Everyone knows that, but chooses to just ignore me and do it anyways. Bastards…

Because the cause is number three, you won't be surprised to hear that I had woken up multiple times due to this. I must tell you that each of these were all false alarms, ranging from late nights, to early mornings. Most of them began around 3:00 a.m.

When I am actually curled around this particular automail mechanic in bed, I'd rather she stay there. I don't like to admit this, but she is very comfortable. That and I really like the smell of her hair. She keeps her head on my chest, so it's a wonderful aroma all night long. So when she moves, you think I'm not going to notice? It always takes me a good five minutes to finally clear my head, but I eventually always come to discover that my human teddy bear is missing from bed. I am ashamed to say this, but I'm certain all the fangirls are already snorting and smiling happily from the image that just rose into their head. Good job girls. A lot of people can't create pictures in their mind so clearly. Give yourself a pat on the back.

I was being sarcastic. Don't really do that.

Okay, so everyone should have a good idea where she goes in the middle of the night. In case you're a little slow, I'll be happy to give you a little nudge and just give you the answer.

The cabinet downstairs in the kitchen.

The cabinet that is filled with a ridiculous amount of snacks that were actually meant for me, but had every ounce of them stolen by the goat that wanders the house every night.

That's Winry in case you're still wondering.

I tried to understand her frustrations with being pregnant, but I didn't see why she felt the need to stuff her face that early in the morning, only to complain of _morning sickness _hours later. What a load of crap that is! You know what I suspect? I think you pregnant woman _all_ wander the house in search of food at that time of night, which is why you all feel sick later on! You expect my sympathy!? I refuse to give you any! And if any of you are pregnant reading this, you know what I'm talking about. I'm on to you, pixies.

In short, Winry was a nightmare. That was only the half of it. She mixed horrifying foods together that still haunt me in my dreams to this day. She yelled at me for every damn thing you can think of.

'But Edward, I wanted the blueberry muffin today. This isn't blueberry. Get me another one.'

'But Edward, I wanted to sleep on the right side of the bed tonight. It makes my stomach feel better.'

'But Edward, I wanted a different foot massage. This one just felt weird. Do it again.'

'But Edward, I wanted my black coat today. This is my white one.'

Whine, whine, whine!

Just eat the damn muffin; it's still a muffin either way! A different side of the bed is not going to make your stomach feel better! I did that foot massage the same way as I had usually done it, and a coat is still a coat!

And now I see that I have two whiners in the house! You fangirls whine at me all the time too! Leave me alone! Just talking about those awful months makes me angry! You know what I'm going to do?! I'm going to just relax and go back to discussing my time when she actually delivered the baby.

I was trying to talk about something while I had that cut in my story since my head had been buzzing on the way to the hospital. I think I am safe to move on to when I actually reached my destination.

I don't think I remember much of this either.

Everyone was panicking.

I was panicking.

The bastard was flirting with a nurse, but he doesn't count.

I'll tell you what I clearly remember though. I remember Winry squeezing my hand as tightly as she could, screaming and blaming me for her pain. She used some very colorful language too, might I add. The doctor even had the nerve to ask me if I was the 'young man' who was responsible for this. They treated me like a criminal! Excuse me if I had gotten my wife pregnant! This was an accident, but my kid never needs to know this.

Despite being shouted at, I could only stare dumbly and nod to everything they both had to say. They went along these lines…

'Edward, you're an idiot!'

'This is all your fault!'

'I'm never going to forgive you for this!'

'Men are pigs!'

And finally…

'It's a girl!'

'Edo…Look at her. She's beautiful.'

I had eventually stopped my nodding and came back to full reality at these last few sentences. Apparently I now had a daughter, and she was very beautiful. I assumed that I should at least take a look. It would be the smart thing to do, correct?

When I actually got to hold her, I think I just went into shock again. My eyes constantly flicked from my new daughter, and then to the exhausted Winry. I was amazed by the resemblance, and she had just been born too! I also bet the little runt had blue eyes. The small patch of blonde hair wasn't that shocking. Cause you know… I don't believe there was another color available.

The rest of that evening, I believe I just nodded and smiled at everyone. Everyone was hugging me and shaking my hand. The doctors were congratulating me, and the nurses were busy tending to Winry.

All I could keep asking myself was this.

Am I really a father?

Do I really have a daughter?

Why is Havoc trying to smoke in here? He better stay away from Winry and my new kid.

And now that the evening is gone and past, I can answer those questions for myself.

Yes, I am a father.

Yes, I do have a daughter, strangely enough.

And Havoc was trying to smoke, but didn't manage because I threatened him with a fist to the face. I believe I was being overprotective that night.

So that's about it for the delivery, pixies. I don't need to go into anymore. I didn't even get to talk about the small person in my house enough. It was still mainly focused on Winry for some reason. But I won't get distracted next time! That is unless you annoying fangirls use your irritating questions to sidetrack me, to which I'll resent you even more and be forced to answer them…Geez, you all piss me off.

* * *

Silverbell: Don't mind him. Why does he keep calling us pixies anyways?

Edo: I could think of something worse. It would probably make you all cry though.

Silverbell: That's okay. Never mind. Now then, questions for Edo or anything guys? Reviews are much appreciated! They always are!

Edo: Don't encourage them to ask questions! You'll provoke the squirrel girl.

Silverbell: Huh...? Whatever you say…Bye everyone! See you soon! Ignore him!

Note- I also am starting back to school again on Monday so these nightly updates are probably going to turn weekly instead. Sorry guys!


	4. Guess the name

I've noticed that every time I come to write this, I feel relatively calm. I find this odd, considering that I am currently stuck with two girls in the same house. You should sympathize with me, because I know that a decent group of you know about Winry. If you don't, you got a good sense of her bad side that has been explained in enough detail through the past few chapters.

However…

_After_ I am finished writing, I feel angry, confused, and exhausted. I have always been told that writing makes people feel better, but this doesn't seem to apply to me. It makes me wonder why I still continue to do this, if it only proves to force me to beg my wife for a damn massage in the end. And the sad thing about this is that while I get frustrated, you all find more and more joy in this.

Now putting aside these complaints, I am now forced to answer some quick questions before I actually move on to what I wanna talk about. This is starting to feel like it's more for you fan people, but let me tell you now that this is supposed to benefit me. Not you…

First of all, I have been asked what a 'pixie' is. It's been something I have grown content with calling the group of females that read this. Those that actually are male… I'm not sure if I choose to respect you, or feel afraid of you for reading this. Bravo, I guess.

Now instead of trying to explain through some kind of stupid example, I'll just be professional about this and give you a well earned definition made by 'yours truly'.

Pixies- A group of mythical creatures, who are known to make an interesting amount of sounds. They tend to stay together in groups, and find their interests in certain, unfortunate people around the world. These mythical creatures are known to squeeze the unfortunate person, kiss them, stalk them, and give deadly pursuits when the person is on the run. The pixies are highly dangerous and must be approached with extreme caution.

As I had told the annoying 'Review Squirrel', who is amongst you fangirls… Pixies are not real. They are all some part of my imagination. I am usually not one to admit such things, since I am a logical person, but I am always willing to make exceptions. And now since I have convinced myself that pixies are not real, I will enjoy drowning in the safe knowledgeable fact that this writing is for own benefit.

So as much as I would love to move on, I now find myself being annoyed by my irritating younger brother who insists that I 'humor' myself and continue to answer you pesky 'girls' with your boring questions. For crying out loud, why can't one of you just ask something simple? A favorite drink or something would be easy for me. Not only are you 'pixies', but also apparently slave drivers as well.

Reaching the next question…

How was the marriage ceremony and how was Winry before I impregnated her?

Tell me girls…

Does that last part make me sound like a criminal? I know it sounds like it to me. You people all act like I forced this on her! It was an innocent accident, and you all take it too far and too extreme. Don't think I don't know about your 'DarkEd!' stories either. I have seen a couple, and you should be more than ashamed of yourselves for making me do those things to Winry. I still wonder why I even read some of those…

So about the marriage ceremony…

In my defense, I didn't mess up anything. I will admit that I got drunk on our honeymoon, and had a hangover that lasted the entire day afterwards. My alcohol tolerance isn't too good, just to keep you informed on my daily medical information. Why don't you note that just to be safe?

Sarcasm…That was sarcasm.

But on the actual day of the ceremony, it was the rest of those idiots that messed things up. I didn't even invite anyone in the military, but since I was part of it, it was seemingly essential that I had one that they all knew about. This means that a great deal of them were invited, and I had no choice but to suffer and glare at them through the whole thing. Not only did I have to endure seeing the bastards, but I also had to wear the damn uniform. Winry thought I looked 'handsome', but I think I just looked ridiculous. You all should know that I chose to stay with the military, so the uniform is not something I favor. I wear it enough when I'm working, so being made to wear it while I was getting married pissed me off.

In short, it was a military standard wedding. This means that it was beyond formal, which is something I didn't care for too much. Winry thought it was 'cool' and squealed with occasional crying through most of it. Did I also mention that I didn't get any of the wedding cake? You would think that I am supposed to be made to feel special on that day and actually get a slice…But I got squat. Not even a shred of icing.

Like I said, I got drunk on our honeymoon and sick the next morning. It's something I still get queasy about to this day when I think about it. Curled up on a bathroom floor with Winry scolding me isn't exactly a 'fond' memory of mine.

But now let's dive into the time before I 'impregnated' my Winry. I still think it makes me sound like a criminal in my opinion…

As I told the one who asked this, Winry was pretty much the same as she always had been in the past. She was obviously more likely to 'snuggle' me and visit me on nights when she couldn't sleep. I still was trying to get used to a girl sleeping in my bed, so these were very awkward nights for me. It was also frustrating, since she would mutter and complain about my automail being too cold for comfort while I held her close to me. I didn't offer much sympathy for her there, because she asked for affection in the first place. It's not my fault if it's too cold for her liking. Winry still enjoys doing this, by the way. Did you wanna note that too, girls?

Let's see…what else…

She braided my hair everyday, as though I couldn't do it by myself. I also never got to go out much by myself. It's not like that changed when we got married either. Now I have two girls to drag along with me wherever I go. Did I also mention that I can be very overprotective and jealous when we're out and about? The whole time I dated her, I found myself scaring away guys that tried to speak with her…Including a few of her customers and a man that asked her for directions one day. You can't blame me, you know… He put a hand on her shoulder. I call that flirting in my book. And what do you know? I'm basically writing a book right now, so I'll put it right down here.

Flirting- Putting a friendly hand on Winry's shoulder, or any other part.

Simple as pie. Speaking of pie… any of you pixies mind making me one while you're around? If you bring me one, I might start to actually consider your existence. It's still not really guaranteed though.

But with all of those irritating questions out of the way, we can think more about what I wanna talk about now. That's what this whole damn thing is supposed to be about anyways. I'll never listen to Winry or Al ever again about writing my 'feelings' in some stupid journal. Last I checked, journals were supposed to be private. This one is definitely more public in my opinion. How it turned out this way, I'll never know. Just like I'll never figure out how I 'impregnated' Winry.

Yet since we're on the topic of my new small person in the house, I guess this is finally my chance to start talking about her. Hospital headaches and military bastards' aside…

I guess I'll just start with when I actually got to take her home. I wanna say that it felt like taking a new pet home, but that doesn't make me sound like a good father does it? It's not like I'm a professional at this, so you have to at least give me a break. I'm still not looking for your approval anyways on this whole marriage plus kids thing. But yes…I finally got to take Winry and the small one home. You'll notice that she is just going by 'small one' because we hadn't even got to name her yet. I realize this is pathetic, seeing as how naming her in the hospital should have been required. Let's not forget that I'm in the military and can abuse power sometimes when I really need to. They owe me for all the things I did for the country anyways. I'm… well I _was_ 'Hero of the People'. I somehow got reduced to 'Hero of the Family', but I guess that's not so bad. You won't find a husband like me that can fix things without actually having to mess around with it and use tools. Of course Winry said she never needed me for that kind of stuff, since she _is _a mechanic. Automail may be her specialty, but she can fix all sorts of things.

I'm ranting again, aren't I?

So about my daughter arriving at her new home…

Despite all the money I have been given to support my family by the military, I really don't have to do much with great ol 'Uncle Al around. One of you fangirls wanted to know how my little brother was with my daughter, so I guess you'll get more insight on this. 'Uncle' Al makes almost everything for her. Not only did he create her crib, but also threw in a few extra toys, playpens, bottles, diapers, and etc. I could have made all of this myself with alchemy too, but nobody really trusted me to do that. I'm beginning to wonder what I _am_ going to be trusted with. If I can't even make a few things for my small daughter, what makes them think I can handle my daughter all by herself?

I just insulted myself didn't I…?

Let's forget I just said that, and move on to briefly talking about 'Uncle' Al again. While I am terrible with children, my brother is not. His attention to fine detail in his transmutations make him a kid's best friend around their birthdays. The toys everyone likes to buy in the stores can easily be made by Alphonse alone. I might as well sell him off to slavery for a toy company for something valuable in exchange. I don't think I could actually get anything worthwhile, so I suppose that idea goes down the drain. Plus, my new family would never forgive me if I did that.

So now with everything created and ready to go in the new nursery, I get the job of carrying her up the stairs and placing her in a bassinet. It amazes me how small babies are. My entire way up, I couldn't help but stare at her and look over her small fingers and toes. I also noted the blue eyes that she had whenever she decided to look up at me ever so often. Instead of smiling and admiring the fact that her eyes were that color because of Winry, I found myself glaring instead. They should have been gold! And since children are so 'precious' with the talent of sensing moods, it didn't take my daughter long to begin her crying. Whoever the hell said that babies sleep a lot when they are born are liars! My daughter is one of those freakish kids who never sleep! What is that movie I hear is in your non alchemic world, girls? 'The Ring' or something like that? It's about some crazy girl who never brushes her hair or something and climbs out of wells. They said she never sleeps, so I'm assuming my daughter is going to be something like that. If she does turn out like that, I refuse to even attempt at brushing her hair. Winry's is already bad enough to get through when she first wakes up.

Oh…

That's right… a name.

Well after I finished cursing about the lack of golden eyes and the constant crying, I finally got her to sleep, stomping down the stairs to complain at the only one who was unlucky enough to hear me. That would be Winry. Unfortunately, the damn girl didn't listen to a thing I said, claiming that she was still a little tired and that we needed to come up with a name for our kid. I suggested Bob or Winnie, but that wonderful wrench didn't take long to reach my head. I'm guessing those were lame names or something. No offense to those that actually are called that in life. Afterwards I tried Ethanol and Carbon, but I still got smacked in the end. I thought those names sounded interesting and unique. They were a lot better than the ones she kept coming up with.

And this is exactly where I am going to leave you all for now, because I'm hearing Winry call me down for dinner. Plus, your ridiculous questions hogged up most of my writing time again! So I choose to keep you all on hold by guessing which name we actually got to call her. Take your best guess…

-Sarah

-Emily

-My left foot.

-Chloe

-Paige

-Kid

-Lily

-Ruby

-'Hey you'

-Girl

There you have it… Now does anybody wanna buy an Uncle Al?

* * *

Silverbell: Sorry about that… This chapter didn't come out as nicely as I wanted. I have been really sick actually. I also apologize for them being so short...

Edo: Serves you right… And no review squirrel, I don't need her Aunty 'Squirrel' telling her that kind of crap about the birds and the bees. Al can do it…And don't call me Edwardo -snarls-

Alphonse: ... What...? ME?!

Silverbell: Hush Aru, you're on auction. So who's up for grabbing the cute little Elric?


	5. Emily and Diaper Changes

Alright, apparently I didn't explain myself well enough to you people. Instead of guessing like you were supposed to do, you all decided to give me suggestions instead. That's all great, I guess. There's only one small problem with this.

My daughter already has a name!

The names I had suggested to Winry that day were not on the list, which means that they were not even a possible outcome. I'll have to tell you though; I really did like the sound of Carbon. Al and Winry just shake their head and walk away from me when I bring this up occasionally. Carbon would of have been a good name in my opinion, but I can see nobody around here has any good taste. So with that wonderful name put aside, let's quickly go over the names you pixies tried to give me, guess, or plead with to name her. I guess I can start with the famous one.

-Trisha.

Now everyone knows that I loved my mother. I'm not ashamed to say anything like that. My mom's name was very nice too. However, I choose to just speak her name when I refer to her alone… Naming my daughter after my mother just might remind me of what I did before in the past. I'm assuming you girls and guys already know about that. This is why I call you all stalkers. One of you even gladly admitted it, which freaks me out.

-Sarah.

As we all know, that is Winry's mother's name. I can't state the reasons for her, but I think she has some similar ones to my own. That's all I can really say. I would let Winry comment on it herself, but I don't feel like sharing this journal thing with anyone else.

-My left foot.

Anyone who hoped for this is an uneducated moron. I fear for your children in the future, assuming you don't already have any.

-Chloe.

For some reason, I think of a light bulb when I hear this name. Chloe sounds like 'Glowy' to me, I guess.

-Paige.

It sounds like a piece of paper from a book. Enough said.

-Kid.

What the hell is wrong with you people? I am not naming my daughter 'Goat'. Good job if you actually understand what I'm talking about.

-Lily.

I refused to name my daughter this, only because the bastard colonel liked it. That's reason enough.

-Ruby

Tempting… Really it was. But Winry didn't like it, so it had to be a no, because we both had to agree. This rule is a nightmare during meal times by the way.

-Hey you.

I find this to be hilarious, but I would never actually put this name on my daughter. I think I'll spare it for the new puppy Winry wants to get. That or I'll just name him 'Dog'.

-Girl.

That would just be cruel. After hearing a story about parents naming their kids 'Conception' and 'Female', this plain name just didn't sound too original. How does PMS sound to you all? That's a good name for girls. I'm sure boys will agree. Alphonse doesn't, but he's too nice to them anyways...Traitor.

Now with all of those names aside, I am sure you now have a good idea of which one got chosen. The one and only Emily. As far as I'm concerned, the name sounded sweet and simple. That's just how I name people or animals anyways. My name isn't difficult, so it's easy to see that my mother agreed with the naming strategy in the past. My brother doesn't count either, because my bastard of a father probably named him.

So about my name…

It's easy to spell and easy to cut down. What was once Edward can be narrowed down to just Ed. Now I'm not saying that Emily can be cut down to the same thing, but it's an example. I'm trying to explain this slowly, because some of you are just slow at catching on and learning. Unfortunately for you, I'm not a very patient person. This is why me and Armony never could get along back when I was teaching her alchemy.

….I'm going off the subject again, aren't I?

Going back to my daughter's name, it can be cut down to other simple things. Notice I choose to not say 'shorten' or anything of the sort, because I refuse to insult Emily that way. I'm sure she'll eventually understand the pain of being called small soon enough. But in any case, that's her name and there's no way to change it. I've been calling her that for a few months now. Like my name, I can make it very easy in other kinds of ways. There are other versions such as, Emmy, Milly, and other ones that Winry likes to call her. Those names are something along the lines of, sweetheart, sweetcakes, honey, and other sickening things. I'm not proud to say that she calls me those names too from time to time. It seems so out of character for someone like her. Instead of a machine junky, she turns into an actual woman. I understand that this is an insult, but as long as she never finds out, I'm safe.

So now if you're all trying to figure out why I have yet to start talking about my daughter in detail, you should know that I'm only trying to ease into it. If I start too fast, I'm going to sound like that annoying Hughes. I can even be proud to say that I don't have a wallet stuffed with baby pictures yet. It's scaring me though, because they are starting to build up with each day. I'm starting to find myself wanting to take more and more ridiculous pictures with every waking moment around Emily. It's not because I want to, but it feels like I have to. I can't help but wonder if I'm going to miss something important. What if she does something for the first time, and I don't catch it? I'll be considered the worst father in the world, won't I? I'm already close enough, but that's beside the point. The winner is still my old man, so that's a relief. As long as I don't run off the face of the planet, I think I'll never fall down as he has in the father ranking. If I do, suicide is the best answer.

Now about that camera and those pictures… I find myself seeing Winry and Emily in them more than I see myself. I never was talented with taking pictures, so usually my thumb is seen smudging the side of most of them. But let's all look on the bright side... It's still possible to actually see what's going on in them. Last month I let Major Spaz a.k.a, Major Armstrong take a shot at being the photographer. That was the biggest mistake I have ever made when it came to family decisions related with picture taking. When I got see how the photos turned out, the whole picture was blocked by his muscles. I swear that even a sparkle could be seen. Winry says it's my imagination, but I know it's there. You pixies probably know it too. Those of you who are stalkers probably picked up those photographs when I trashed them. I can see you all now at your job or at school.

'Oh yeah, you know the Fullmetal Alchemist? I'm great friends with him. I even got some family pictures that I got from him on an outing. You know, since we know each other and all. You see that yellow smudge in the far right corner? That's Ed's hair. It just might be Winry's, but I'm certain that it's Edward's. Wanna see the gum statue I made of him too?'

I know I have to be close on how the conversation would go. But it just may be worse. Some of you probably took pictures on your own. Might I add, they are probably humiliating pictures. Probably something along the lines of me shoving a burger in my mouth or something. I don't even want to know about shower pictures. It would be smart if you didn't tell me either. I'll hunt your ass down, and you'll see the wonders of alchemy when I break your whole body down piece by piece. It won't be painless either, trust me on this.

….Dammit, I did it again.

Well to be blunt, I am not good at taking pictures, but Armstrong is worse. You ask Mustang to do it and I find that he only takes pictures of himself. Who else agrees that he's hopelessly attention starved? Winry just tries to take the damn thing apart when I tell her to take a picture, and the rest of the military idiots can't even work the thing properly, excluding Hawkeye.

My trust stays with my brother from now on. Not only is he reliable, but he can take excellent pictures. He's probably going to be a photographer or an artist. He likes those kinds of things now for some reason, along with a bit of alchemy from time to time. Alchemy is his comfort blanket, I guess. I didn't know that was possible, but that's what he said one time.

So now that my brother is now known as the expert photographer, I can move onto other things I want to talk about. The next topic is one that I find to be disgusting, but I figure that bringing it up with girls would be to my advantage. I may be wrong, because you all just seem to just find everything funny and rarely help me with my problems.

Diaper Changing…

I have sliced chimeras in half, I've had the shit beat out of me till I was soaked in blood, and I even had to hold Winry's hair back while she puked one night from being drunk. All of these things were not pleasant in the least, but nowhere near as bad as that chore mentioned above. This makes me feel sorry for my mother when me and Al were growing up. The sight is terrible, the smell can kill you with one accidental sniff, and the process itself just makes me wanna run down the hall and beg Winry to do it instead. Of course, she insists that doing this will help me get a closer bond with my daughter, and it would prepare for a second child if that day ever came. I wanted to tell her that this day would never come around, because I would rather try my luck sleeping on the couch every night, than chancing another pregnancy, which means more of this diaper changing and everlasting crying at midnight.

There is nothing worse than standing in the kitchen with a freshly made sandwich, ready to dig in after a long day of work, only to be stopped by a depressing smell that is so obviously coming from my daughter sitting so innocently in her playpen. Unfortunately, Winry is napping in our bedroom, so waking her up is actually out of the question. If you think she is bad when she is fully awake, try her when you wake her up during a nap. My daughter is the same way…But, either way, that problem still left me helpless in the kitchen with the sandwich halfway in my mouth. Let me inform you that this was my first time actually preparing to change a diaper, so I couldn't help but panic. What the hell was I supposed to do? As far I knew at that point, babies cried whenever you changed their diapers. It's easy to see why though. I wouldn't want anyone seeing the bottom half of me without clothing either. Poor children…But poor parents who have to withstand the actual sight when there is a diaper change to be made.

So what did I do about this problem?

… I called Alphonse.

My brother, though younger than me, is very good with children, as I explained before. That must include diaper changing too. I know this, because I saw him do it once with Rose's baby a few years back. It would only be right that he helped his big brother out of a tough spot once in awhile. I found that he was actually very helpful. It was still gross, but I had to be led through it all with one direction at a time. I was shocked to find that Emily didn't even cry either. My daughter just kept herself busy with her toys, ignoring the fact I was even there. I don't know whether I should have felt insulted or not. Acknowledging my presence would have probably felt a little better. But it also might have felt awkward for me. I guess both ways would have just sucked…But in the end I did get through it, and over the past months it actually hasn't gotten easier. Because of this, I wanted to know if there was a Distressed Fathers Anonymous program to attend to. You know the ones where people all sit in a happy circle and have each member stand up and say something like 'Hi I'm Edward… and I can't change diapers.' Which then there would be a follow up of 'Hello Edward'. Afterwards the happy circle could go on to discuss the hardships of diaper changing and maybe even battered husbands' issues. I can participate in that one. My wife beats me with a wrench, so I think I'd have a lot to talk about with that discussion. I even have scars too, so that's more than enough evidence of abuse.

Anyways, I'm done with talking to you imaginary pixies for now. It's late and Winry has been complaining at me for the past hour to go to sleep. Emily's crying right now, so I have to play the father role and go check on her.

As for the questions that were asked…I answered many of them in a private reply, and another one had already been answered countless times, so I refuse to explain it again. We all know how Winry was when she was pregnant. I went over all of that.

So goodnight, goodbye…and um…stay away from my house.

* * *

Silverbell: I apologize for the delay everyone…My dog died last week so I needed some time. I had her for ten years so I couldn't exactly pull myself together.

Edo: She's doing a bit better, so she forced this on me.

Silverbell: You don't mind. Now please read and review guys! Questions if you like!


	6. Party in the Making

Alright, let's just hurry and get the dumb questions out of the way, so I can continue my own writing. I should really just say 'to hell with your questions' and move on, but that would be rude. Of course I don't mind being rude, but apparently Winry won't tolerate it. I don't even know why she cares either. Half of you pixies are pining after me, I already know. I thought my lovely wife would get jealous or something in the least. It sure shows how much she cares about me, right?

Now this first question was asked by one, who I believe I should file a restraining order against. Not only did she openly admit to stalking me, but she clearly says she wants to watch me and Winry 'call the stork' again. Some of you pixies are flat out creepy.

When is Emily's birthday?

Luckily for me, this is an easy question that only requires minimal thinking and doesn't dig up any awful memories. At least not yet…

It's April 29th, girls… This means in the next few days she'll be turning one. My diaper changing days aren't over yet, unfortunately.

Now, not only do I have to get her a gift, but you pixies have to go spend a few bucks too. That is unless you're somehow an alchemist, and have the ability to transmute something on the spot. If you are, by some miracle, I don't doubt you'll be cheap about it. Transmuting materials from a dumpster and into a gift don't count. I did that with Mustang's birthday, so don't think I won't notice…

Anyways, next question…This one should be obvious enough, but I'll answer anyways.

There's a crazy time warp. Emily is fifteen, and the bastard colonel is somehow nineteen again. He starts to flirt shamelessly with my daughter. What would I do?

You girls should be ashamed of yourselves if you don't know the answer to this.

Mustang would find his ass in a trash bin with two black eyes, a broken nose, missing teeth, severed arms, and two broken legs with a sign wrapped around his neck that would clearly say 'Edward was here'. I would have to get the credit that I deserve. It's just too bad this question was a 'what if'.

So with those aside, let's move onto another topic I want to complain about.

There's a birthday party coming up, I'm sure you all realize by now. If you don't, you're stupid… end of story.

We all know that I don't like planning things out. We've all heard my little brother say this to me plenty of times.

'Brother, you're impulsive.'

'Brother, you're reckless.'

'Brother, you need to plan ahead.'

I hear the same thing from Winry too. Of course she words these things a little differently. Apparently, being my childhood friend and wife now, she has the excuse of being rude and caring at the same time.

'Edward, you're such an idiot.'

'Edward, your brain must be just as small as you are.'

'Edward, your thinking is going to be the death of you.'

I have other versions too, but I don't care to insult myself any further. Alphonse and Winry have the only ones I can actually tolerate. The brain and size is a little extreme, but I forgive her…It's only because I enjoy her company a little.

Once again, there's a birthday party nearing. If you still aren't aware of that, you're still stupid.

But guess who has the honor of planning it all out?

No, not you Review Squirrel… It's me!

The one who apparently screws up everything! The one who gets complained at by everyone!

The two who have the nerve to call me impulsive and insult the size of my brain- have given me the task of planning my daughter's birthday party!

Those military bastards aren't helping either. They have all decided to throw in an idea or two, but I believe they are having trouble understanding that the party is for a one year old. They gave me a list the other day that suggested a few things that still make me wonder about their intelligence.

-List of party suggestions-

Havoc- Smoke and poker games

Fuery- Hello?

Breda- Pin the tail on Havoc

Armstrong- Test your strength!

Falman- Dictionary giveaways

Hawkeye- Cake and ice cream with presents

Roy Mustang- Men and Flame Alchemist autographs

…

Havoc, what did I say about smoking around my daughter?

Fuery… What the hell…? I mean seriously, did you think you were signing a letter or sending a telegram?

Breda, that doesn't sound like half a bad idea. We'll include Mustang too. Pin the tail and other favorites can be included along with that one. For one, I'll just hang their asses up on the tree branches and get a well sized beating stick. Too bad I won't get candy for Emily from them. I'll most likely just get cancer sticks and sticky notes of women's phone numbers. I don't have any use for any of those, but it still sounds like a party plan to me.

Armstrong… Yes, because my daughter really has the ability to lift a hammer and slam it onto some stupid device that will 'test' her baby strength.

Falman, Emily can't read. She doesn't want or need a dictionary.

Hawkeye, thank you for a reasonable suggestion that actually shows a lot of intelligence within it. I always knew I could count on you.

You're a goddamn pervert, Mustang! Emily is only turning one, and you're already exposing her to men! She doesn't want your damn autograph either! None of us do! Go wander off to a brothel and give out autographs there to the ones who actually want it! Join the brothel for all I care! You'll make a lot of money, I think. I'll be sure to not visit you…

Now...

I don't even know if I want to ask you pixies for any party ideas. I might just end up cancelling the entire thing due to stupidity. But then again, girls always seem to come up with cutesy ideas for birthday parties. What these ideas are, I don't have a clue. If I did, I wouldn't be asking you all for help on this. You're supposed to be imaginary anyways, so I don't even know if I should question my sanity for asking.

Anyways, I do know that I need cone shaped party hats and annoying cardboard horns that make your ears bleed. I definitely need presents, food, and people who actually attend. I don't have a problem there, because the military idiots, excluding Hawkeye, always have to arrive at these things. Just look at my wedding for example. I can't get away from them…

Sorry, I was going to start complaining, wasn't I?

Okay, but children like that kiddy music too, don't they? The ones where you all have to ridiculously hold hands and sway back and forth with a cheesy smile on your face? Yeah, I'll just have Al and Winry do that with Emily. I refuse to participate in things like that, even if it's supposed to be for my daughter.

You see, there's only so much you can do for a one year old. I can see if she was five, there would be things to work with. She would be able to actually play that game 'pin the tail on the donkey'. Emily would be capable of actually following along in lots of things. But currently, she's always stuck in one spot, sucking on her pacifier, fingers, or a bottle. She can't talk obviously, so she has no choice but to stare and listen to the baby noises everyone likes to make._ I_ personally prefer to just talk to her like a human being. I'll humor everyone once in awhile, but I seem to be skilled enough in normal talking, so it makes my daughter laugh anyways.

Right...the party.

I asked Alphonse to help me again, though I think he's getting annoyed that I can't figure out how to do these things for myself. It's not my fault he's a freakish natural with kids and birthday parties. His children will love him for it when he has them. Hopefully, he won't feel as lost and as confused as I am through the whole baby thing. He has to help anyways, because he volunteered me for the job in the first place.

So yes, I got one helper... Stalker people aren't allowed to help, because I think you're strange and I still consider getting that restraining order.

I know you all are probably wondering why the hell Winry isn't helping… I asked the same thing, but got a glare directed at me with a very blunt answer.

'I have to watch our baby, Edward. Surprise us.'

So that's it, pixies…I have to surprise my family. So surprise me with your cutesy ideas, and hopefully I'll consider them for the party. If they cause something to go wrong… just know that I hate you and I'll find you with all due time. That promised painful transmutation will be coming your way soon.

Did I mention I got a new pet squirrel?

* * *

Silverbell: Hopefully these chapters will get longer as I start to feel better and come up with more. Right now I'm feeling still a little like…crap. But thank you all for reviewing and I appreciate your words from last time concerning my dog. I also appreciate you all still reading, and I hope you will continue! Once again, I apologize for the shortness! I'll try my best to make the next extra long! Actually…I promise I'll make it longer!

Edo: I still wonder why they like this. All I do is shout at them and insult them throughout it all, yet they like it for some reason.

Silverbell: It's because you're cute. By the way, the pet squirrel Edo is talking about is actually a poor reviewer who fell into Edo's devious hands…Poor girl.


	7. No Cake

I hate all of you... Even the ones with the good ideas still deserve nothing. No praise, no treats, and no hugs. You wanna know why?

Since this party went so 'smoothly ', I find good reason to blame every last one of you pixies. You all were just itching to find out what went wrong again. As with every single 'chapter' I put up, you sit on the edges of your chairs and giggle like annoying schoolgirls. I hate to say it, but any boys who read this probably do the same. You put all of us to shame…disgraceful.

Before I even go on my rant about how ridiculous your ideas were, I've been told to welcome the new readers who actually took the time to sit down and look this over. If any of you actually think I was being polite, do me a favor and smack yourself. Winry just thinks it was awfully kind of new people to come around and enjoy this. What a joke that's turning out to be. In fact, I choose to simply ignore you all for as long as I can. As far as I'm concerned, the pixies are no longer here, and I'm writing this all to get out my frustration. It's better than becoming a wife beater.

So there we go… No pixies anymore. Just the irritating sound of Winry's humming, and Emily's light babbling in the background.

Oh, what the hell. I already know you all are still around. Why do I bother? It's easier complaining to you all, instead of justifying myself in ranting to a piece of paper. That just sounds ridiculous.

And I know you're all probably pissed I'm late with giving you my daily update of what happened in my life. But I'll have you know that I have a life like the rest of you, and it sure doesn't revolve around spending quality time with fangirls and... Boys. That still makes me shudder mentioning that.

Anyways, I'm supposed to start talking about that party, right? The one that was supposed to be for my daughter, because it was actually _her _birthday, correct? That is the reason I had to prepare the whole damn thing in the first place. So I have no choice but to ask all of you girls out there a question that has been plaguing my mind for days now.

Why in the hell was the whole party focused around my wife?

The last I checked, this party was for my one year old, not the squealing, giggling Winry. She sucked up all of the attention like a sponge, and got even more so when she was actually carrying our baby around. As if she didn't get enough of that when she was pregnant.

Apparently when she told me to 'surprise her' she really wasn't kidding. Since our beloved child isn't old enough to actually enjoy what we're giving her, Winry decided to play selfish and take the party into her own hands.

Now… before I continue…

I also am aware that girls like to defend eachother, so telling a mainly female audience of readers isn't going to do much for me. But if you're not on my side by the end of this, then don't bother talking to me or ever asking me a question again. I refuse to answer people who don't agree with me.

Just think of my poor daughter. She was a victim in this after all. She was just used for Winry's 'special day'.

Or better yet, you all can think of me for once. I understand that's difficult for you, but just try, alright?

So here we go… allow me to explain this _exciting _day.

Winry and I decided to start the party early in the morning. It gave our daughter time to enjoy herself and settle down for a nap a few hours later. By the end of the night she was sleeping like a rock.

You see? I can be a good father too if I try hard enough.

As I expected, people who I hadn't even invited had come along anyways. I know this, because the only invitations I sent out were to Gracia and Rose. The rest came either because of Winry, or because they just wanted to piss me off. Mustang is a good example of the second reason. I know that's why he came. He knows I didn't want him to be around at my house. I never want him at my house, and yet he insists.

The rest of his sidekicks came too of course. What would the bastard be if he didn't have his lackeys to follow him around? I personally don't see him as much either way, but I'm sure he gets his attention from his number of loyal followers in the public eye.

A couple of people from Resembool came to visit, but they're mainly Winry's friends, so it doesn't matter to me. One guy in particular was there too. I don't like him… He kept staring at Winry the entire day, and the ass even gave her a flower. The man's a fruitcake if you ask me, but Winry just thought I was being rude. I personally think he was being rude though, because he should have given that flower to Emily. I give Winry plenty of flowers on other days. If that guy knew anything though, he would have been smart and given her a few bolts and automail parts. I gave Winry a wrench a few years ago, and she loved it. She's been using it on my head ever since, but I can tell she still adores it for other purposes.

I'm ranting again, aren't I?

Well fine… That guy better stay away from Winry. That's my point I was trying to get across. She's obviously taken, so he needs to go find someone else. One of you girls are single, I'm sure. Go out with that poor, lonely soul. I'd give you his name, but I purposefully forgot it, so I couldn't track him down. He should thank me, because I basically saved his life by doing that.

Thankfully, no homunculi attended the party. I understand that some of you wanted this to happen, but do you really think I would trust them around my wife or my kid no less?

Let's assume all seven were still alive for a moment, alright? I will not only explain the horrors of each visit separately, but I'll also guess the ridiculous gifts I would get from them.

We'll start with everyone's favorite homunculus for the most part. He sure as hell isn't mine, that's for sure.

Envy.

That walking palm tree would never be allowed to set foot inside of my house. Not only would he have attempted to kill every last one of us, but he would have also used that precious time to make fun of my height. He calls me a pipsqueak with almost every single sentence that flies out of his mouth.

But let's assume that he decided to be a somewhat 'peaceful' homunculus for the party's sake. He wouldn't attempt to kill us, but he would have been more than happy to still make fun of my height. Do you already see why inviting him wouldn't have worked either way? I do not get along with him. This is why I continue to question you girls who pair me up with him. It sickens me…I just want you to know that. I'm sure you're already aware, but I'll just continue to give you friendly reminders from time to time.

Should we talk about his gift now?

Well, I'd assume since he seems to have an adoration for kicking, I'll have to say that Envy would most likely try to give my one year old daughter a soccer ball. That's if he even decided to give her a decent gift. If he wanted to be an asshole, he would just give her a rock.

I always wanted to get Mustang a rock, too. A nice cheap, convenient gift. He deserves nothing but the best, right?

Oh, yeah right. The homunculi… Who's next?

Lust.

I don't think this party was supposed to be a strip club. This is what Lust would have morphed it into, I'm sure. I have no doubt that most of the men that attended would have been very happy campers, but Winry most likely would have just killed me. Do you all understand that inviting a sultry, voluptuous woman named Lust into my house is a bad idea? It's a bad idea no matter how you look at it. First off, it was a one year olds birthday party. She doesn't need to be exposed to such things at an early age. She never needs to be in my opinion. I'm the father, so I make the rules now. That's how this parent thing works, right?

Off topic again… yeah, sorry.

The second reason is plainly obvious. My 'beloved' Winry gets jealous easily. I understand this, because I realize that I am too. Inviting an attractive woman over that is the embodiment of a deadly sin is not very comforting to her, let me tell ya.

As for the lovely gift she would hand over, I have trouble imagining something other than pleasure 'toys'. And those are definitely not for a one year old like little Emily. Just thinking of Lust considering bringing those things as a gift pisses me off. I'm certain some perverted bastard at the party would have gladly taken the gift instead, but I don't care to know why. I'll guess Havoc… The poor man hasn't had a steady date for months.

Anyways, we're moving onto the next homunculus. And who better to follow after Lust than the round, too many muffins, Gluttony?

Personally, I don't see Gluttony understanding the importance of a birthday party. Like Envy, he would simply insist on not only killing all of us, but shoving us all down his throat, with party favors and all. I'm sure he'll include the cake too. That would be a damn shame, because that would be the umpteenth time I failed to get any of it. If only you knew...

There's not much to say about him, besides the fact that he would just choose to eat everything within sight.

His gift?

A promise to digest us quickly. How comforting that would be.

Now let's move on, please.

Greed.

Do I actually need a reason not to invite him? Greed would have just taken everything of value in my home. Stealing my wife would have been number one. I would be without my money, my kid, my Winry, and a lot more. He'd probably steal the gifts too for the hell of it.

Can't forget kidnapping Al again… He may not be in the armor, but I'm sure he'd do it just for kicks.

As for actually bringing a gift, I don't see him as the giving type. If he ever decided to, I'm sure he would be cheap. That's usually how money hungry idiots are- Cheap, shallow, and stupid.

So to be blunt, I don't think Greed would 'bless' us with a gift. Boo hoo.

So let's move onto the next happy go lucky homunculus.

Sloth.

She's not exactly hyperactive, and I'll admit, its more than difficult to be around her for obvious reasons. Not only does she look like my mother, but she enjoys guilt tripping me about the past. Yep, she would definitely be one of my top ten on the invite list, pixies. If you'd like, we'll look on the bright side of things and take comfort in the fact that she could create a great pool for everyone. We can just take that as her gift. A big pool for the day is plenty enough for a great party.

Too bad I can't swim…

Wrath.

To hell with all of you, if you even considered asking me to invite that demon spawn. That stupid kid would have been literally hanging off of my arms, attempting to chew off the body parts he thinks he needs to make himself 'human'. My limbs are not for sale, since two were already given away to the greedy, screwed up gate.

And his gift?

Judging from that morons intelligence, I'd bet a pretty penny he wouldn't bring a gift. The only gift in his eyes would be an arm and a leg, plus a damn brain to insert into his thick skull!

And last but not least, we'll go with Pride.

Being the deadliest of the sins, you'd think you girlies would understand my reasoning for not inviting him. His happy attitude screams problematic. Nobody is that cheerful without hiding some sort of deep, dark secret. And what do you know? The man turned out to be a vicious, man slaughtering lunatic. I give him props though for trying to kill Mustang.

He's also the one who is clearly dead. He was the country leader… everybody knows he's gone. But I know we're assuming that they're all alive magically, so I'll go back on track.

To be honest, I think Pride would prove to be the sanest out of all of them. He not only knows how act cheerful around us weak, insignificant humans, but he also proves to the most intelligent out of all of the homunculi. This makes me proud, because I heard about a little game some other pixies made awhile back. Not only did I get to see my brother back in the flesh a little earlier, but I got to be the great homunculus, Pride. Whoever thought of that was brilliant. Creepy too, considering I still think they know too much about me.

Ranting again? Sorry…

Now guessing the gift from him, I'm going to be blunt… Melons. If you don't get it, that's not my problem. I'm not willing to explain. You can call him Wrath if you want, but it doesn't matter to me.

So there you have it… I'd like to start moving on to talking about the actual party now if you all wouldn't mind.

I was told not to invite any clowns, so of course I didn't. I don't like those things anyways. I socked one in the face awhile back when I was younger. He surprised me by hopping out of nowhere…he also blew a loud horn in my ear, so I think he deserved it. He definitely had it coming.

Yeah, sorry…I did it again.

So let's see…things at the party.

We played pin the tail on Mustang. We only managed because everyone pinned him down and tied him in place. I think he was perfect for the job. He's a jackass, and he's close enough with his last name. It was supposed to be Havoc, but we all agreed that the bastard colonel would be better.

Emily also made friends with Rose's baby and Elysia. She can't do much, but she sure can babble up a storm. I predict my daughter is going to be a great conversationalist in the future. I don't know where she got it from though, because I sure as hell can't talk to people well. I'm not shy, but usually I get everyone angry with me. So I'm guessing that I'll have to just stick with blaming Winry for her natural talent. Personally, I don't think Winry is all that great with talking though either, unless it's conversing with another mechanic. But whoever she got it from, my daughter is talented. And to think she's only one…

I sound like Hughes, don't I?

Dammit…

I'm going to talk about something else now, before I lose control of myself and act like one of those bragging fathers. I refuse to let anyone see me that way.

…

Talking about gifts is always interesting, right?

Winry just happened to open all of them for Emily, and took great joy in using some of them that weren't even for her. I never knew I had such a selfish wife. I'm ashamed. I really think she believed it was her own party that day. She sure acted like it. But I suppose I can't complain this time around. Emily couldn't exactly open them for herself. We tried to get her to… But she only stared and continued to suck on her pacifier.

However, once they were all open and revealed, she seemed a little more excited, I guess. I think Winry's squealing made all the difference. Other than that, I don't think our poor daughter had a clue that everything was for her.

As for what was actually inside…

Edward- That's me by the way. I got my daughter a picture book... of transmutation circles. I'm sure she'll use them well one day. Yeah, yeah, and I got her a toy pony to play with, plus an additional bottle.

Winry- She bought her clothes. That's a woman for you. Machine junky or not…They like clothes for some reason to the point of obsession.

Gracia- More clothes and extra diapers and bottles.

Rose- Yet more clothes and Lior style hairclips for our sweet Emily. My wife stole the clips.

Mustang- I kid you not…the bastard gave her an autograph.

Havoc- You're all thinking cigarettes, but you should know I would have never allowed that. He gave her a new pair of shoes, and a kiss on her hand.

You see? He's so desperate; he's attempting to court my daughter at her early age.

Breda- Don't ask me why, but he gave her a chess game. Winry gladly took that too.

Falman- a… dictionary. My beloved Winry didn't need it, but she stole that away as well.

Fuery- A teddy bear. He's smarter than most of them, thankfully.

Hawkeye- Clothes, and a variety of other smart things that Winry will put to good use.

Armstrong- a sparkle and tears…amazing, right? Throughout all of that though, he got her a doll to play with.

And you know what…?

If I continue this, this will go on forever. Do you realize how many guests we had? There are too many to name, and I'll be repeating 'clothes' for every other person. So I'm going to move on, because it's the smart thing to do. If you are dying to know what a certain someone got for Emily, I'll be more than happy to tell you personally later. But for now, I'm going to continue talking about the party.

Let's see…

There was karaoke. That's something we had fun with. Winry sang a few good songs with Emily babbling along to just make noise. My brother was too much of a wimp, so he didn't try it out. I didn't either, because I refuse to sing infront of too many people. I'm capable of singing, but I don't care to let anyone hear me. I don't plan on becoming some superstar from my voice. I already got enough headaches from being a well known alchemist. That's something I never expected, considering most don't appreciate science.

Yeah, back to karaoke.

It was all great until Mustang had to pull his ass up on the stage. As if he wasn't bad enough by himself, he had to tug his faithful crew up as well. I personally thought they were all drunk. I'm almost hoping they were. It gives me a great excuse to beat the shit out of them. Especially the colonel…

After the gifts and karaoke, we actually got to have the cake and sing that…merry song. I thought cake came before gifts, but they sure proved me wrong.

Despite going out and buying the damn thing, I didn't get a slice once again. I waited and waited and waited. I figured there would have been enough, because I bought the biggest one I could find! If I knew all of the pigs were going to take large chunks of it, I would have gotten a second one! And I sure as hell wouldn't have been sharing! That whole cake would have been for me! Winry threatened to leave me if I became a 'fat Edo', but if I do, she can blame all of the uninvited party guests! Some of that cake was for me! I bought it, and I deserved some! I never get any of that stuff, and I just wanted a small piece!

You know what..?!

Screw talking about the party! The rest of it sucked, because I didn't get cake, and we ran out of party favors! Greedy bastards should have been thankful for all the damn food they got to eat!

Anyways, I'm leaving because Winry insists I need to rest, and she's even offering me a massage to help me relax. She told me she would make me a small cake tomorrow. There's no way in hell I'm going to turn that down either.

Just know that Emily enjoyed her birthday, though she didn't have a clue, and note that people should always bring a second cake for emergency.

Goodbye, goodnight, and keep away from me till I come back.

* * *

Silverbell- Whoo this chapter took longer than I thought. Sorry, I have college work that kills me.

Edo- I didn't get to explain most of the party –frowns- And I didn't get to emphasize how Winry hogged most of the attention!

Silverbell- Well that's your fault you didn't get to explain... you had a temper tantrum...

Edo- …………

Silverbell- Anyways, hope you all enjoyed! Love you all! Sorry for the long wait! Read and Review please! Edo loves you too!

Edo- Like hell I do!


	8. What the hell is Halloween?

I did wonders staying away from you pixies, didn't I? It's been a few months now, right? You can all say that you've missed me terribly, but _fortunately_ for me, I can say that I haven't missed any of you at all. Winry thinks I'm being rude, but what am I if not honest?

What was I doing all this time you ask? None of your business.

Now then, I've come to question you crazy people about a certain holiday I keep hearing about from the world you all are in. I didn't say I care to celebrate it, but I am interested in hearing about some things. If I like it enough I might just introduce it here in Amestris. Apparently it's not that important because I heard the lot of you are still forced to go to school against your will. I give those schools a thumbs up. It's a brilliant idea to keep you annoying brats locked up in an educational facility while others are having fun. I should personally make my own happy rant about how great those schools are. As for you adults who are trudging through college or a job- same goes for you.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah! That freakish holiday thing! Pixies, darlings…. Please do tell me, will ya? What the hell is Halloween? I've heard stories about it, but I don't care to actually believe things that are so ridiculous! What kind of moron dresses up in costume on this said day and goes knocking on strangers doorsteps begging for candy? You know what I would do to all of you miserable slave students and employees? I would poison your asses! I'd grab you and pull you inside, toss you on a table, and shove my beautifully concocted candy down your throat. And as for all of you sick bastards who just thought of something else along with that threat- You'll be the first I poison.

I'm seriously having trouble understanding this day, and it's pissing me off. I don't like being confused and I like to know a little bit about everything despite the fact that it sounds stupid altogether. You're telling me I can dress up as some mad scientist/alchemist and expect random people to just hand me candy when I knock on their door? Wouldn't everyone just think I'm crazy and shut the door in my face? And what about the cute, cuddly costumes I've heard about? What the hell is that about, pixies!? Some are claiming Halloween to be scary, then I hear others yapping about dressing up in pretty pretty princess outfits! The last I checked, princesses were not scary unless they were just flat out unattractive and put globs of makeup on their face.

Because of this strange mixture of scary/cuteness, Alphonse has insisted that we celebrate and have a little fun on this day too. I'm rather ashamed to say that my adorable, yet pathetic little brother wants to dress up as a kitten. It's humiliating because I know he's serious and he'll do it. Whiskers and all! But you know what I'll be for Halloween if I decide to dress up? The Fullmetal Alchemist! Hell yeah! And you all know what's so awesome about being the Fullmetal Alchemist? I get to be scary and handsome at the same time. Screw being cute! I'm dashing and have the intelligence and power to be an evil villain if I wanted to. I find it pathetic that a lot of you are most likely gushing right now with the thought of it alone. I've decided to put you pixies into three groups because of this. The first group of pixies obviously adore me to sickening levels and would die of happiness if I somehow thought kidnapping them would help me in my road through life. That's not happening… The second group of pixies are just rude and obnoxious and only follow me around to piss me off for the hell of it. You people are scum! You jackasses are the ones that stalk me and make fun of my height! It is this group I despise the most! At least the first group is harmless… At least I think so. And for the third group of pixies- the ones who, dare I say, are actually normal? These pixies are the ones that write me a letter as a common fan and get on with their lives. They do not squeal and bounce on their bed in joy. You know what they do? They nod their head and place my responsive letter in a basket so they could later show their children in the far future. I know that most of you are going to try and lump yourselves in with this third group. I wasn't born yesterday you know? This is obviously the group I favor, so I have no doubts that at least one miserable little fangirl is going to insist they belong to the third. And the fanboys? I've decided to just push you in your own category. You guys are now called Pixels.

Oh yeah… Off topic again, huh?

So yes… Hallowen. I'd like to understand it more if you all wouldn't mind. I want to hear about some costumes and I want to understand how candy is associated with monsters. If you want my take on it, I would like to think that some poor fool was harassed on a certain day by a mob of children at his doorstep. They beat him and kicked him until he gave them candy and went on their merry way. This man most likely went on to call the police and explain that 'little' monsters attacked him and ran off with candy down the street. Other children caught on so eventually they decided to do the same with actual costumes. This is most likely why they say 'Trick or Treat'. Treat means 'give me some candy'. Trick means 'I'm gonna beat the shit out of you if you don't go with the latter.' All of that sounds plausible, right?

I'm asking all of you because my annoying wife wants to take Emily out for Halloween. I just don't see how that's possible for two reasons. One being that my beloved daughter isn't even capable of walking to get any candy and sure as hell can't chew it without teeth. The second reason is my overprotective nature. I don't want Emily out there with those other weirdo kids. Winry thinks I'm overreacting but I don't care. What parent in their right mind lets their children associate with other kids who dress up as killers for this 'Halloween'?

Another thing I'm having trouble understanding are those haunted houses. Why are you people addicted to entering places that make your heart beat fast and scare you till you cry and shake? Is it the adrenaline rush? If that's the case then there are easier means. Just go jump off a cliff or something. I can't guarantee your life, but you'll sure as hell have an adrenaline rush you'll feel all the way till you splat on the ground. It will be memorable. Just write and explain that 'It was what you wanted'. Sure, the police will mark you as a suicide, but at least you got to have a thrill of a lifetime for your final moments. Why go to a crappy haunted house with losers who jump out of dark corners to scare you when you got a cliff at your disposal? It's already bad enough that they supposedly have psychedelic lights that are distorted and flashy enough to give a poor person a damn seizure. Congratulations on actually getting away with murder on Halloween…

That was sarcasm in case you didn't catch it…

I'm just gonna leave it at that and let you all tell me what hell is up with this 'special day' of fear and fright. I'm thoroughly confused and I demand you all tell me for the sake of my pestering wife. If you don't answer my questions then I sure as hell won't ever answer yours again! You're all nothing but a bunch of ungrateful pixies who mock and terrorize me every chance you get anyway! If you don't answer me, I'll make sure I hunt your asses down and use you all in my next alchemic experiments for the military! How do you like that, huh?! I'll herd you all into a transmutation circle and activate it! You won't be smiling then, will ya?! Now answer my question or I'll give you my own version of Halloween- Science Style!

* * *

Sorry guys! That took forever! I apologize! I haven't had time and things have really sucked. I'm also now working on a second story 'Behind White Walls'. Yet another EdoxWinry fic! Of course you're free to ask Edo questions again! That's assuming you all are still around! New people are welcome too!

Edo: The hell they are… Go away.


	9. An Unexpected Ending

I think I got enough lame explanations of 'Halloween' to last me a lifetime. And you know what I think after all of them? I still think I like mine better. What could possibly be more thrilling and frightening than snotty children going to beat some poor old man up at his own doorstep? I think it sounds a lot more believable than ghosts and all of that other… stuff

Despite your pathetic attempts to describe to me what the point was in this odd 'Halloween', Winry still insisted we introduce it to everyone we know. So thanks to all of you annoying pixies, Amestris will soon be celebrating this ridiculous day most likely by next year. There will be scary pumpkin faces nearby houses, and children running amuck in the the streets with candy bags and questionable costumes. However, me and my family just happened to get an unfortunate early start.

I'm choosing to just place all the blame on my wife, because she was the one that decided to skip over to Central HQ and marvel over the idea of starting this 'tradition'. And to my surprise, that damn Mustang liked the thought of it. Personally, I think he was just trying to flirt with her by agreeing- which is why I gave her a restriction… She isn't allowed to go to Central HQ unless I escort her there and she stays in my company. And I don't care to hear any of you feminists whine about me being 'mean' or 'controlling'. I just want that damn man to stay away from my wife, along with any other perverts out there that try to look at her.

I got off topic again, didn't I?

Anyways, Mustang thought it was a 'grand idea', and insisted we be the first few people to test it out. I would have preferred to be left out of it, but Winry threatened to not make me any dinner or bake any pies for two months. She also said I would have to sleep on the couch. But to be honest, I felt more worried about the lack of food and those delicious pies.

So yes… We had Halloween. And it was awful.

Everyone had to have their ridiculous costumes on by noon for some reason, and everyone decided to hold a Halloween party at _my_ house. In my opinion, I think we should have crashed at Mustang's place. He has more space after all, and it was his big mouth that started this whole thing. All I wanted to know was the_ purpose_ of Halloween. I didn't say anything about _celebrating_ it.

Anyways, we all know that for this silly day, I wanted to go dressed up as myself. There wouldn't be any strain or struggle to do that, right? I could have just put my red coat on with the rest of my things, and everything would have been complete. I should have known that Winry was going to complain about it. She insisted I dress up as something else and transmute everybody's costumes accordingly. Of course I refused, so she had my poor baby brother do it instead. Needless to say, he was happy to do so. He always was a suck up in these situations. It pissed me off, because I didn't get to choose my own costume. Winry wanted me to be a sexy pirate, so Alphonse was more than happy to whip one up for me. Personally, I think _Mustang_ should have been the pirate, considering he already has an eye patch. It would have been a perfect fit.

Now since I'm so lazy, and I don't care to give everyone the attention they deserve, I'll just make a list of everyone's dumb costumes.

Edward- That's me again, in case you're wondering. I was a pirate for Halloween. Eyepatch, ragged clothes and all. Now nobody can say they weren't expecting to be robbed when I knock on their door and steal whatever is in sight.

Winry- my lovely wife…Apparently she thought it would be cute to impress me with some military costume, so she got into a rather revealing MP outfit. Alphonse had to get her size just right too. My poor brother had to redo it at least eight times till it was up to par with her high standards. I will admit though... she looked nice in it. But only because I liked the color… That's all.

Emily- Sometimes I wonder how Alphonse actually managed to create something for my daughter. I hate to admit that she's rather small… But I can't think of another word to describe her mini size. Anyways, Winry wanted to see our small child in a 'pink bunny' costume. How… original. I now have a sexy military woman for a wife and an oversized pink cotton ball for a daughter.

Mustang- I could care less what the man wanted to be, though I can't say I'm surprised by the costume he wanted Alphonse to create… Captain Six Pack.

Hawkeye- Would you believe me if I told you she went around as an angel?

Mustang's Lackeys- Although none of them agreed to this, I insisted. They all got to follow Mustang around like the pathetic sheep they always had been. On the bright side, they got to at least stay warm with all that wool.

Alphonse- Do I really need to tell you guys that he transmuted a kitten costume for himself? I told you he would.

Screw everyone else that came along. I'm not here to announce everyone's 'fabulous' costumes. I just came around to say that the night was terrible. After everyone had flooded into our front door, they all made a beeline for the spiked punch Winry had set on the kitchen counter. I didn't touch that stuff, for fear of getting too tipsy. And we all know what happens to drunken people when they pass out. The ones closest to them put them in all sorts of weird predicaments. I know this, because that evening I dumped a drunk Mustang and Havoc in our spare bedroom and situated them so they held eachother in a loving… 'embrace'. What I would have given to be there when they woke up within those hours.

I didn't take my daughter out trick or treating, since I know that normal Amestrians like myself would just stare at the ones outside their house, and swiftly shut the door to get away from their 'odd neighbors'. I know that's what _I'll_ do next year. That's assuming Winry will be out that night with our daughter. You know what I could do though? I could transmute the little children and become some evil villain next door. I would be so proud of myself. I don't care if you pixies don't agree, since your opinions never mattered much to me anyways. None of you took my advice on jumping off a cliff, so I see no reason to listen to your advice or warnings either.

Oh, yeah… The Halloween party.

We carved up a pumpkin pretty badly, till it resembled the creation of a troubled teenager. We dished out all sorts of different foods to eat, and we listened to pathetic ghost stories that were made up by Falman and Fuery. Something about a dumb warehouse 13. Idiots...

I would like to proudly say that I sat back in the corner all night long and watched everyone else make a fool out of themselves, while I munched on all the candy and pies. Maybe that's the only thing that's nice about this 'Halloween'. Free candy and a free show of entertainment from the comfort of your own home. How could I ask for any more than that?

Mustang's six pack 'deflated', Hawkeye's halo flew into the spiked punch, Al got his tail slammed in a door, the sheep were all drunk off of their asses, and Winry was left to patrol_ all_ of it. You see, _I_ decorated and _I_ grudgingly approved of this event- So the least my wife could do was monitor the damn party for me. In fact, I was too busy caring for Emily, so that should be more than enough reason to raise my 'Best Father' rank, I think. Of course, I don't doubt I looked ridiculous in my scary pirate suit, carrying a pink cotton ball; but I swallowed my pride and got through it. You pixies should worship me for that and go brag to everyone you know about the great Fullmetal Alchemist and his wonderful parenting skills.

Now let's not forget that although my wife formed this brilliant idea of a party and decorations, I was the one who had to clean it all up after everyone went home. Winry got the easy task of taking our already sleeping daughter to bed. We all know I could have easily accomplished that. Yet instead, I was given cleaning duties. That included beer bottles scattered all throughout my living room and cigarettes littered and smushed into my brand new couch I bought. I mentally noted to hunt down Havoc for this 'problem'.

Somewhere along the line, some idiot emptied out the contents of their stomach in a far corner behind my dining room table too. I'm blaming Breda… he was stuffing quite a bit of muffins and cookies in his mouth that evening. It's not like its any surprise that nobody decided to confess or even offer to help me either. The only one who was generous enough to stay behind was Alphonse. And in the end, he did most of the work, while I passed out on the alchemically enhanced couch.

Did I feel guilty, you ask? No…I didn't. Alphonse doesn't mind assisting his big brother from time to time. I'm sure he was more than happy to slave away to clean the dishes, mop the floors, and make my house brand spanking new with sparkles included by Armstrong himself. I'm also sure he didn't mind the time I called him over at seven in the morning to mow my lawn and water Winry's flowers in our backyard garden. Nope, my brother comes with a smile on his face everytime I see him, and he happily does the work I assign to him without any complaints. That's what I call a helpful little brother. You'll never find one like him.

Now I can't help but feel a little irritated with this next problem coming up. I also can't help but feel that all of this is your guys fault. I let Halloween slide by and that was okay, to say the least. I even celebrated the damn day and dressed up my family for it and let those military jackasses get wasted in my home. And yet now I'm hearing about this new holiday coming up. It involves turkey and a lot of straw. I also hear about scarecrows and food. Lots of food… Now despite the rest of the ridiculous things, I have to admit that I'm liking the part that mentions 'eating a lot'. You pixies seemingly call this day, 'Thanksgiving'. Do tell me, is it the same? Do we now have to go knock on people's doors and 'thank them for giving us a brand new turkey'? That sounds dumb, but I won't complain if I get some actual food from it. It sure as hell beats cheap candy bars.

I'm reluctant to ask you about it, because I'm afraid my wife will just insist we celebrate this day too, and we'll be back to inviting over the military idiots with beer included.

I can already tell that Winry is eager for the chance to have another holiday or party rise up. As I write this, she is leaning uncomfortably against me and scanning over everything I'm putting down. If you ask me, she's awfully nosy. I happen to realize that she will most likely club me with her wrench when I'm finished jotting all of this down, so I'll save myself by keeping this going for as long as possible.

You know my daughter loves the color pink, right? Our little bundle of joy will squeal and make a gargling sound everytime she sees the color. I personally can't stand the cutesy hue. I wanted her to like black or red. Why did she have to like the most girly color known to man? I'm once again choosing to blame my wife for obvious reasons. She had Emily dressed in the pink bunny suit of the year on Halloween after all. I believe that's where her fascination came from. It wouldn't surprise me either if little Emily found adoration for bunnies too in her near future. I can already see her room within the next five years. A pink spiraling abyss of doom and glitter, with bunny guardians as her loyal protectors and faithful friends. The thought of it makes me queasy and upset. I'll never want to go in that room unless my life will depend on it.

I have to question my sanity now. I am finding it ridiculously hard to believe that I would rather be in the company of you pixies, rather than getting beaten by my own loving wife. It's amazing how women can get away with hurting their husbands, but the situation won't go vice versa. Oh, sure… I'm confident that the police would come if I called them and complained about violent problems in the home; but I don't need to tell you how pathetic I'll look when I start to whine and complain to them about my wife abusing me. However, you flip the roles and the police would be hauling _me_ away in handcuffs, shaking their head and muttering insults about wife beaters under their breath. This is why I'm not good with women! Women piss me off! Fangirls piss me off, and so does that stupid Halloween! I don't like holidays and now I am going to get a painful knot in the back of my head the second I finish this! And you damn people are all so madly sadistic; you all will just continue to laugh and point at me on this terrible day! You just wait! Whenever you have a bad day, I'll travel all the way to your house just to laugh and kick you in the ribs if you happen to tumble ungracefully down your stairs! I'll laugh and I'll-

_Hey everyone, this is Winry. Sorry about Ed. He was twitching and flinching a lot, so I saved him the trouble of calming down and just knocked him out with my faithful wrench. He'll be back a little later, and I'm sure he'll be more than happy to answer any of your questions if you have any. Don't let his grumpy attitude discourage you from reading or explaining things to him. He appreciates it. He's just grouchy and I think he just needs a massage and a delicious pie for him to eat. Thank you!_

* * *

Silverbell: These aren't the longest and greatest of chapters, I know. But I feel obligated to give you guys something. I'm currently in the middle of a big move, so I have to apologize for being late and any short chapters that come up for both of my stories! Regardless, I hope you like them! Also, if you have anything you want Edo to try to rant about in his next chapter, please do tell. I'm sure he can find all sorts of things to complain about with whatever idea you have! Please read and review! Thank you so much!


	10. Breakfast and Earmuffs

Do I even want to discuss turkey day with anyone? I don't think I do. Maybe I just don't feel like sharing today. You know what I could do? I could just say I'm through with this and leave. And I'll be betting a pretty penny that all the three groupings of you would respond to it in some way. Do I care to share what those responses would most likely be? No… The last thing I need to do is give you fruitcakes any ideas.

So no… I'm not going to tell you how Thanksgiving went because Winry was mean to me on that day. You can blame her for your lack of story time in that area. You're calling me stubborn? Good, I think this will help our pathetic excuse for a relationship we share.

In fact, if Winry wants to tell a bunch of strangers about this new holiday somehow developing in Amestris, she can feel free. It's not like we had pilgrims or Indian people. Of course if you wanna substitute the two, we can always shove Scar in the picture and put a feather in his hair. Presto! He can be an old Indian… Just take his sunglasses. And the pilgrims? Hell, I don't know. The people from Resembool will do it justice.

Why am I even trying to piece together a sorry excuse of a story for you losers? You know what I should do instead? I should demand you people tell me a damn story for a change… That's exactly what I'm going to do. Each and every one of you owes me a story. And guess what? I get to pick what it will be, and you're going to humor me and tell it through one of your review thingies. And you ask why you should? Because I'm the Fullmetal Alchemist, that's why! That's reason enough…

So here's your task… I think we can all call this equivalent exchange. You pixies tell me a story about a time you were embarrassed and felt miserable. Maybe there's even a story of one of you bending over and ripping your pants open. What I would have given to be there if that happened to any of you. I would have been the one pointing and laughing, you know.

Also, let's hope I don't find too much humor in your story, because then you'll all have to worry about me sharing it with my entire family and then some. With the power I have, I'll have it in the newspaper of Amestris in the comedy section of Central Times.

And so now I'm going to go back to what I should have originally been talking about from the very beginning. I'm not going to discuss all of these freakish holidays you people all celebrate. I hear the lot of you are being tossed in the funny farms over there yearly, daily, and hourly… I have a good guess as to why too. It's because family members and friends drive themselves mad trying to prepare for those events. Like Turkey Day? Why would anyone in their right mind wanna leave a turkey roasting throughout the entire night in their house? Do you people not realize you're risking your lives? I just don't think you guys care very much. So you just go ahead and blow yourselves up next year.

Let's not even get into Christmas. I don't need anybody to explain that weird holiday to me. Apparently some fat man somehow travels the world in one night with an infinite amount of toys in one brown sack, squeezes himself down a slender chimney, probably hoping to god a couple isn't snuggling infront of a fire. Otherwise, oops! The family is now responsible for toasting Santa Claus. Pray the elf police won't come beating down their door…

Yeah, he also supposedly travels around with flying moose or something? I could have sworn it was something else, but who cares? One has some radioactive glowing nose, right? Fantastic… The poor creature grew up as a freak and somehow developed a light bulb for a nose inside of his mother. Sure sounds depressing to me. I know I would be upset if I had some strange, shiny, glassy nose that was red and bright.

What were their names? Basher, Slasher, Casher…Whatever. The shiny nose moose was named Randolph, correct?

Yep, lovely holiday… A fat man who apparently gets no exercise cause he works one day out of the year, a freak of nature with a lightbulb for a nose, a creepy snowman that apparently thinks its your birthday when he magically awakens, and a disgusting slop that goes by the name of 'Eggnog'.

I think I'll pass on all of it. There's no way I'm introducing that to my family. Halloween and Thanksgiving was bad enough.

So holidays aside, I'm finally going to get back to talking about my lovely, but annoying family.

You know my wife is currently sick, right? Backache, shoulder pains, and a sore throat that makes her sound like a drugged donkey. I hope she doesn't look through this. She's sleeping right now anyways. I had to take care of her all day today. I really shouldn't have, considering that she did whack me hard with that wrench awhile back.

I will grudgingly admit, Winry looks rather… cute while she's sleeping and all sickly, but when she is awake and alert, it makes me feel like I'm caring for some grouchy old woman. She complained about everything! This morning she woke up and instantly started her moaning and groaning.

I'd like to say that I hate being woken up, so I wasn't happy with her when she nudged at me and squealed for some attention because of the attacking sickness that had gotten to her. Her eyes were pretty red, her nose was stuffed up, and like I said, she sounded like a drugged donkey. She still does, but maybe if I'm lucky, she'll sound like a normal donkey tomorrow.

Anyways, she started off by complaining to me that she didn't feel well and she had a difficult time sleeping. I really didn't know what the hell to do, so I did the only thing I could think of. I tugged her over to me and rubbed her back and gave her a very weak, pathetic excuse for a kiss on her forehead. I think I said something to her too, but I don't remember anymore. In all honesty, I just wanted to just go back to sleep, but I obviously knew I couldn't just leave her like that. She complained that my automail was making her cold as I held her, so I had to flip sides and use my other arm to comfort her. By this time I was pissed off because I was awake, tired, and uncomfortable with the shift in positions.

I still only do the things I do for her because I somewhat like her company from time to time. That's all…

So yeah, when the early morning passed, I found myself having to go downstairs and do something I never had to do much before. I had to make breakfast. Now I'd like to admit that I am an excellent alchemist, but cooking is something that I'll pass off to my brother. The last time I tried was on that damn Turkey day and that didn't go so well. I still refuse to get into it.

So I stood there infront of our fridge for a good ten minutes trying to figure out what to do. I could have just been cheap and poured my wife and stirring daughter some easy cook oatmeal, but I do realize that would have made me look pathetic and sad. Instead, I went for things a little more complicated in my book. Let's all understand that I do research and perform alchemy on a daily basis. I could have easily just cheated and been done with it, but I didn't want the kitchen to outsmart me with its funny looking cooking ingredients and supplies. I figured if people call me a genius, then it will cover breakfast making too.

I started out with something simple. Eggs… I didn't think that would be too hard. I used to see my mother do it a lot when I was younger. Then I observed Alphonse work at it a few times in the earlier years, and finally Winry. I believed that if my gentle little brother could crack open an egg in the past as a suit of armor, then I could do it just as well. So I tried it. I pulled out the eggs and a pan.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I did the first thing that came to mind. I knocked the egg against the pan. I thought it worked, but I eventually realized I failed when I heard a gloopy sound hit our kitchen floor. I also care to note that it got on my slippers that Winry bought me a few weeks ago. That obviously didn't work, so I tried it again with my automail. That really didn't work either, because I ended up using too much pressure and got all of the egg's contents inbetween my fingers and entire hand.

So I figured the eggs were a failure. I could try something else. Pancakes… I love pancakes, so I should have been great with whipping them up. I got out the things for that, and I did a pretty decent job till I poured the mix down on the pan and had to flip it. One was still doughy and the other side got badly burnt.

I tried bacon, sausage, french toast, waffles, and a bunch of other stuff. In the end, the kitchen looked like a stampede had gone through it and kicked everything out of our cupboard.

Apparently the noise had woken up my entire family fully, because my sick Winry came downstairs with Emily bundled up in her arms. Of course she took into consideration that I had at least attempted to make breakfast for her, but she also decided to tell me that I'm hopeless, but she somehow loves me anyways. I'm not sure whether I should have felt offended or not. But in the end, I grumbled about the difficulties in cooking and went to pout at the dining room table. Despite my failure at managing to create a wonderful breakfast for my fussy daughter and my miserable looking wife, I felt kinda proud. I mean, I did actually attempt to cook. A lot of guys can't say something like that, and even if they do, they're probably lying through their teeth. I know for a fact that Mustang just sits his ass down in multiple dining rooms each morning and lets his 'woman of the day' make up some food for him. I know for a fact that his sorry self can't make any food either. He also sucks at cleaning, which is pathetic. Even I can manage that… I just don't like to do it.

Anyways, Winry eventually determined that cooking was hopeless for me and made me hold our squirming, wriggling daughter while she made something instead. Now don't get me wrong… I felt guilty and bad for failing to make something for her. She was sick after all and still is presently… But at the same time, I at least came to the conclusion that at least I wouldn't have to be rushing her to the hospital for food poisoning later on in the day. On top of that, I also realized that_ I_ would be getting something delicious to munch on for breakfast too. To be honest, I really didn't want to eat my own food. I learned that on Turkey day, which I still refuse to explain. You can figure it out on your own anyways. You should all know that it was a giant disaster, so be happy with that.

Yeah, so after breakfast I was disturbed in hearing that I had to dress our beloved Emily and take her off to Gracia's house for babysitting. Apparently Winry didn't trust me enough once she saw the mess in the kitchen that morning. I argued with her about it, but she argued back that I already had to care for her, and that was apparently going to be more than enough for me to handle. I grudgingly admit that she's right. But do you know how excruciating it is to dress our daughter?! She squirms, she cries, she wriggles around till everything is backward and she flat out doesn't like me. I'll bet she's going to be just like Winry when she grows up. Stubborn, rude, and whiny… That's what she'll be. Instead of hearing my wife complain about how I bought her the wrong pair of shoes in the store, I'll be hounded by my daughter later in her teenage years with other random, girly teenage things. And all of you adolescent females out there reading this will know what the hell I'm talking about.

'Daddy, mom isn't here… Can you go buy me some 'female products?'

'Daddy, my boyfriend wants to take me out tonight. Can I go please?'

'Daddy, can so and so come over to spend the night? We wanna have popcorn and talk about the cute guys at school.'

'But Daddy, why can't I wear this on my date?! I'm sixteen years old!'

And you know how those responses will work with me….? It's very simple…

'Emily, your mom will be here soon enough. There's toilet paper in the bathroom obviously. Improvise and stall till she gets here.'

'…What boyfriend?'

'No Emily, because I don't like your friends. They are a bad influence on you and if I did let them over, I would just eavesdrop shamelessly on your conversations and destroy the mentioned 'guys' you have a crush on.'

'Once again… What 'date' are you talking about? I never approved of this… I don't care how old you are. Wait till you're eighteen. Then you can go on those 'dates.'

I think all of those responses are fair, don't you think? If you think I'm being cruel, then I don't care to hear your opinion. Who asked you anyways?

If you're a parent, I might consider your words… But that's a big 'maybe'. I'm allowed to be overprotective over my daughter. We can already see how I am with my irritating, but lovable wife.

So yes, to be blunt, I have been stalling at dressing Emily for her babysitting visit this whole time, so I really should get to that before Winry comes to hunt me down. In fact, I think I hear her screechy voice coming down the hall right now.

But it's kinda cold outside for my Emily…and I can't find those pink miniature sized earmuffs I bought for her two weeks ago. I could have sworn I saw Breda somehow wearing a similar pair yesterday when I was working…He was at our house a few days ago after all…But tell me… What kind of a loser steals a little girl's earmuffs and actually wears them at his job? I'll bet Mustang put the poor bastard up to it…I'm gonna kick his ass for the inconvenience. Those were expensive pink earmuffs, dammit!

Whatever, I'm leaving… I'm off to snatch Emmy's earmuffs back and get revenge on Mustang for his plans at pissing me off. Even if he wasn't the mastermind behind it, it still gives me an excuse to sock him right in the face.

And if all else fails, I'm just going to make you pixies buy my daughter a new pair. I don't want her catching a cold outside after all.

* * *

Silverbell: Late Merry Christmas folks! I figured I need to get back into the cycle of having Edo talk about his family, although it's fun to listen to him yack about the holidays. I hope this chapter suits you all well. Writing these stories has made me consider leaving my art college and taking up writing instead. With original characters of course! I'm wondering if I would do well… But yes… Happy New Year!

Edo: You all better give me those humiliating stories. Fair is fair…You don't have a choice. You won't want to hear from me if your review is caught without a miserable story involving you...


	11. Valentines Day Sucks

Valentines Day… We all know it's just right around the corner, don't we? In fact, most stores haul those mushy, pink and red products in the aisles weeks in advance. I found myself walking down those said aisles a few days ago, and I'm grateful I didn't explode from the killer overload of romance and roses. Although Amestris doesn't participate in Christmas, Thanksgiving, or Halloween; we do somehow share Valentines Day with you pixies. I wish we didn't, because now I have to dread carrying around a box of chocolates, a bundle of roses, and those disgusting candy hearts that tastes like paste.

I used to let Valentines Day pass by without a care in the world. I didn't have to do anything, and I sure as hell didn't have a sparkly eyed female hanging on my arm, asking me what 'special' thing I'm going to do for her. If it were completely up to me, I would just be cheap and give her a hug. Hugs are good, right? That's what you girls like to get from guys, don't you? You women always complain if we aren't affectionate enough to you, so hugs should be plentiful on V-Day. But I'm smart enough to realize that a gift like that would just have me sleeping on the couch at night for a whole month. Not to mention the concussion I would develop from getting hit repeatedly in the head with Winry's damn wrench. Mind you, I probably already have one. It's still most likely the whole reason I ended up marrying that psycho woman.

So I'm sure you all know that I don't exactly have a normal wife. It's Winry Rockbell for god's sake. Not only will I have to get her typical Valentines Day gifts, but I know she's expecting something spectacular from Rush Valley; something that has to do with automail. I'd rather send my brother down there to do the shopping, but I found out that he's heading off on some vacation with his crush. I'm betting it's that shy girl from our hometown. The one that always walks her cows through all of Resembool. I think her name was Nellie or something.

So now I'm stuck going off by myself. First of all, I have no idea what is supposed to be considered quality automail or shining examples of screws and bolts. I should just drag my family along and just have Winry pick what she wants and be done with it. The sole reason I can't do anything of the sort is because she insists on being surprised. But we all know what's going to happen if I don't get something that's up to snuff for her. I'll get complained at for days, and in the end I'm going to have to take another ride down there and find something else. Pray I'll find something worthwhile the second round; else it will turn into some freakish violent, whiny cycle.

Why do we even celebrate Valentines Day anyways? We all know that it eventually hurts people's feelings. Not that it ever bothered me, but somewhere in everybody's circle of friends, there is some poor fool that will sit on his couch on the said day and eat a cold can of his favorite comfort food all by himself. And single women who have either had past relationships or none at all will do one of the following.

One- They will most likely complain and express their pure hatred for the romantic wannabe holiday. They will insist that it is a complete waste of time, and most likely toss in that 'men are useless to be around anyways'. These kinds of girls usually have a sympathy crew and complain amongst eachother on the phone or up close in person for hours on end. Most of the time it will last all the way until 12:00 a.m. hits.

Two- These girls will most likely remain cooped up in their room and snuggle a picture of their ex and long for the days of… all the mushy times. By the end of the night, their bedroom is usually flooded with snot tissues and tears.

Three- One of you poor females will end up being a third wheel for your best friend and_ her_ boyfriend. Your supposedly loyal pal is snuggling up next to her sweetheart at a movie, while you shiver in a seat by yourself, comforted only by candy bars and buttered popcorn.

Of course men have their own ways of handling this gushy time. Mustang has a field day with Valentines Day, I'm sure. The bastard probably travels all over Central, fooling women into thinking they are his 'one and only' by giving them flowers and a nice time in bed for a good while. I can see what Hughes meant by insisting the damn man needs to find himself a wife to settle down with. But it's obvious that the colonel is still deathly afraid of commitment. But then again, I do know that marriage sometimes can feel like a ball and chain on your leg. I don't care if you pixies don't agree with me either. If any of you are married, feel grateful you aren't living with a borderline personality lunatic like my bittersweet wife, Winry.

Anyways, I already did my early shopping for this annoying day. When I was at those stores, I felt comforted by the fact that many other men like myself looked just as miserable and lost as I did. They say misery loves company, don't they? How true that is. But misery hates company when that 'company' tries to snatch up the last giant teddy bear from one of the many V-Day shelves. I say this because it happened to me… I already had a handful of bad luck when I actually left the house that day. Since my wife is unfortunately feeling better, I had to listen to her nagging at me to change Emily's diaper before I left- not to mention she also felt the need to whine at me about the extra weight she was still carrying from the pregnancy with our dear daughter.

"Edo, do I look fat?"

"No, Winry. You look fine."

"You promise?"

"Yes… I promise."

"Why did you hesitate just now?"

"What…?"

"You just paused when I asked you to promise."

"So?"

"You never pause when you promise! Is there something you want to say?"

"What?! No!"

"Well then answer me again! Do I look fat to you?"

"Winry, you know damn well I can't win this! If I say no, you never believe me, and if I say yes-"

"So you're saying 'yes'? You think I look fat?"

"……"

I believe most men realize that the 'weight' issue with their woman is never something to discuss at any time. It doesn't ever matter if she brings it up first. In the end, the man is always the one who looks bad and we all know it. If you ask me, I say women thrive on making us squirm with such topics.

Anyways, after I got a partial smack across the face for not giving her a 'genuine' promise, I went onto changing Emily's diaper and left soon after. Not only was it freezing cold outside, but I happened to run across Havoc moping down the walkway with his usual cigarette poking halfway out of his mouth. Judging by how sad he looked, I determined that he had no 'sweetheart' for V-Day and would probably be one of the many who sat inside and indulged themselves on that comfort food I spoke of...

And alcohol...

If you ask me, I'll bet any amount of money that Mustang was the cause of his grief. The colonel is notorious for stealing other men's girlfriends. It never bothered me until I became closer to Winry and eventually pronounced her _my_ girlfriend in the past. Now that she's married to me, I feel like I have to keep an even closer eye on her. I know how sly that bastard can be…

Whatever… What was I talking about? Oh yeah…

I made my way to the nearest store down the block and prepared my eyes for the sickening sight of cuddly, bright colored boxes and stuffed animals. Once I stepped inside, I instantly felt intimidated. I even considered stepping out and transmuting a gift for Winry instead. It would have worked if I was aesthetically inclined, but I've heard my designs aren't the 'cutest'. Personally, I find them awesome and interesting looking, but I've gotten nothing but rude insults and shameless stares from not only my wife, but my brother _and_ my young daughter. I even made her cry once with one of my transmutations. So therefore I'm not allowed to bring alchemy into the picture whenever gifts will be involved. And here I thought it was supposed to be 'the thought that counts'.

Yeah, so walking down those aisles gave me the creeps. I quickly snatched up a heart shaped box of chocolates, a romantic card with embarrassing but tolerable words, and finally worked on finding the perfect stuffed animal for her.

Now tell me, did any of you ever imagine that there would actually be a large teddy bear that was designed especially for female automail engineers? Apparently Winry is not the only one who insists on being a mechanical junkie.

Anyways, it was the perfect gift. The bear had a fake, cushioned plush automail arm, carrying a pillow heart with the words' I love you' across the front of it. Personally, I believe my brother could have transmuted a better version. I'm proud to say that my young sibling pays close attention to detail... Of course he's not better than me though.

So it would be my luck that the perfect gift for my wife was the last one on the shelf. I was staring right at it and reached out to grab the damn fluffy thing just as some nerdy teenager reached out to do the same! Now most people would feel sorry for the lanky boy, but I had my hands on it first! I know my brother would be one of the few that would withdraw and surrender the giant teddy, but I'm not so generous, I'll admit. Instead, I gave the freckled kid a death glare and yanked it over till I had the entire fuzzy plush in my possession. Unfortunately, the whiny kid looked as though he was about to cry and ran off, loudly beginning to complain that I stole a gift he was about to buy. That got me a lot of rude stares, but I'm pretty good at ignoring it…

And I did...

If you ask me, I did the boy a favor. If he really was giving a gift to some crush of his that had an unhealthy interest in automail and such, then I had saved him from a possible abusive relationship.

So I bought what I needed and I went right on back to my house. I fully intended to buy Winry some flowers, but I didn't want to buy them too early. In fact, that was something I realized I_ could_ do with alchemy. I know that people don't like most of my transmutations, but I am capable of making some nice flowers, oddly enough.

Unfortunately for me, my wife is about as nosy as a small child who tries to peek at their presents beforehand on their birthday. The only difference with her is that she's straightforward-meaning she didn't hide the fact that she wanted to know what I bought her. I'm lucky I even got in the door and managed to hide the damn things before she came racing down the stairway with Emily tagging along in her arms. But once I did put those gifts up, she was quick to place our dear daughter in her playpen and hang on my arm with those sickening puppy eyes. My wife is known to be pushy after all…

"So? What did you get me, Edward?"

"None of your business…"

"It sure is! They're _my _gifts."

"No, they're your gifts when I give them to you."

"Whatever… You got something for Emily, right?"

'..Shit…'

"Edward? Don't tell me you forgot our daughter?"

"……"

"Edward!"

"What?! I didn't know I was supposed to get a present for her!"

"You're such a jerk! Get back out there and get something for her!"

So apparently I'm a jerk for forgetting to buy our daughter a Valentines Day gift. But I suppose I'm misunderstanding the point of all of this. I was always told that the day was for couples and the time to buy eachother things…romantic like things. I wasn't aware that my daughter was supposed to be included in my romance with my wife.

Conception doesn't count.

And speaking of buying eachother presents, I actually dread the thought of what my beloved Winry went out to get me. In fact, if I were to make an educated guess, I'd say she didn't go out to buy anything. She's addicted to upgrading my automail ever since I married her. I'm most likely going to end up getting some sort of homing missile installed into my right arm or left leg. That or _glamorous, _sparkling, diamond knuckles.

Anyways, I'm now charged with going back out into the freezing cold to go find a gift worthy of the little Emily. There's not exactly much I can get her though. She can't have chocolate because she doesn't exactly have teeth. I can't get her a card because she obviously can't read either. And flowers would be useless until she at least gets to the age of four or so. So now that those are all kicked off the list of V-Day presents… that leaves only one thing…

A stuffed animal.

Now if you saw Emily's room, you would understand my reluctance to buy another one of those things. I don't think any of you realize just how many times I've had random people come to our front door to drop off gifts to give to my young daughter out of the kindness of their heart…And they are_ always _stuffed animals!

"Oh, Gracia… Thank you. I'm sure Emily will love this big teddy bear."

"It's the least I can do for such a sweet girl. What a darling!"

"…Yeah."

Of course I'd always much rather have Gracia and other neighbors come along in the place of a certain useless bastard.

"Mustang, what the hell do you want?"

"Just came to drop off a nice present for your daughter."

"Yeah, whatever. Just give it to me and get out of my house."

"So impatient, Fullmetal…"

"Give me it!"

"Say please…"

"Plea- Screw you! Get out of my house!"

"Alright, alright. Here you go."

"……….What the hell is this thing?"

"It's a plush, Fullmetal."

"Yeah, I can see that. But why does it look like you?"

"It does look like me, doesn't it? I figured Emily would benefit if she got off to an early start and-"

It was then I just pushed the pervert out of my house and slammed the door in his face. I kicked the plush out too. There was no way I was giving that monstrosity to Emily. I'm certain it would have just given her nothing but nightmares anyways.

Anyways, off the topic of Valentines Day for a few minutes. I already got everything I needed for both my wife and daughter.

So now I'd like to bring up a little something with you guys. Remember those stories I had you all tell me? Those embarrassing, terrible stories that you would all rather forget? Well I sure remember… and I made sure to go through each and every one and decide which one of you deserved to be in the comedy section of the Central Times.

I did warn you about doing something along these lines. One of you is going to be the new laughingstock of the city.

So I'll just go ahead and announce the potential winners.

- i found mah brain- This was the poor soul who bent over and allowed her pants to rip open while folding underwear. I always laugh at those people, so of course I'd like to place something like that in a newspaper. And luckily, I have Armstrong around to illustrate these stories for me. Makes reading that much funnier when there are pictures to accompany it.

-LittleChemist- How can I forget the story of a public dinner with a snot bubble? Sounds like something the people of Central would like to hear about. It also seems like it would come out as an interesting picture.

-General Eiko Suzuki- Anybody who falls face first into the ground after jumping up and down from singing 'Jingle Bells' has the obvious grace of a drunken ballerina. But nice… I like that one.

So with that said, I have to go and spend some time with Winry. I have to get ready to give those presents to her too. I'm choosing to fully prepare myself for either the better or the worst. And to be honest, neither of them is actually appealing. If she likes the gifts, I'm going to have to hear more of her agitating screeching and happy squealing. If she dislikes them, I'm going to get an earful of pouting and pathetic moaning and groaning. But I will admit, I'd rather hear the happy squealing instead. It not only promises me a few good meals in the near future, but saves me a trip from having to travel all the way back to Rush Valley.

Anyways…er…Happy Valentines Day, I guess… I really wish nothing but the worst for all of you, but I promised my brother I would at least attempt to act like I care.

Now… off to see the reactions of my wife and daughter. In the meantime, one of you mind dating Havoc for the day? He's camping out in the front of my house, and I need to get rid of him…

* * *

Silverbell: I understand this chapter wasn't so great. My mind has been fogged up all month. I'll probably have better luck with my other story. But here's wishing you guys a Happy V-Day!

Edo: I wanna talk about Emily next chapter… I'm sick of talking about Winry.

Winry:……What?

Edo: Oh my! Look at the time! Bye pixies!


	12. Banana Banana

Valentines Day is long gone. None of you have any idea how happy I am to be aware of this fact. Not only am I now spared from the endless pink aisles of hopes and wonders, but thankfully, Winry has now withdrawn back to her normal self. In all honesty, I'm not sure whether I should be grateful for that or not. Her happy-go-lucky personality was less than violent. Now that's she gone back to just being 'Winry', I have to deal with her random outbursts of complaints and wrench tossing.

But I didn't come here to write about my schizophrenic wife; at least not just yet. I came to talk about stalkers.

That's right. Stalkers…

Not Emily, not Winry, not even my brother. You all heard me. Don't think I don't know about that new 'show' of Fullmetal Alchemist you all are tossing around over there.

You realize that's disturbing me, right?

I truly wanted to dedicate more chapters to my small daughter- whose birthday is coming up again by the way. But regardless, I now find myself hearing about this new version of my life. I just want to ask you people why you feel the need to follow me around and catch every detail of my personality and private moments? Does it interest you _that _much? I mean, I can admit, my lifestyle awhile back wasn't exactly normal, but I'm sure there could be worse. The things that I really considered a secret are now known by a mass crowd; and times when I thought I was alone in a bedroom with teddy bear underwear- which I wore only once by the way, is now somehow on public display! I don't even want to think about my valuable showers I've had in the past.

If you really want to know how I feel about this, I can readily admit that I'm pissed off and ready to send the police on your asses. True, you can call me a bastard, but I feel you people would do the same if your life story was illegally placed on a strange magic box with odd advertisements popping up every time some dramatic moment comes along in the so-called-show.

For example…

Let's say I just ran into Scar and he is still on a 'State Alchemist Killing Spree'. Let's also say that there's nobody within miles that can even attempt to try and help me. Not even my reliable little brother.

Well, if you were to place that in the little show of yours that you pixies watch on that magic box, I'm sure it would over dramatize the whole scene. First of all, what the hell is with the 'doom music'? What? You all don't think I stand a chance or something? Forget the fact that I'm sweating a little nervously, but do you think the funeral music playing in the background is necessary? Not that I was able to hear it or anything, but just watching the show and seeing myself with the added instrumental interference is enough to make me a little uneasy.

So anyways, in this little made up scene, I talk to Scar for a little while, forgetting the fact that he wants to blow me to pieces. He talks back to me, rants about god and so forth, and then our conversation comes to an abrupt end. We'll stare at eachother for a good painful few minutes, and the damn music will reach its peak and then here comes those strange advertisements to fill the blank and leave all people watching in anticipation. Commercials, right?

How about I just follow _you_ all around and do the same thing to _you_? True, I don't think you'll have a revenge seeking fanatic hunting you down, but I'm sure there's got to be _some_ drama.

I can see it now…

We'll just have you pixies on the magic box, chewing away nervously on a pencil while taking some sort of school test and whatnot. We'll just zoom up to your face and get a good look at your panicked eyes and whole expression, before getting a close up on the exam itself. Then we'll just play a little horror theme in the background and go on a commercial shortly after that.

Then, we'll just go through seven episodes of nonstop anticipation on what grade you're going to get once you actually finish the damn quiz.

Yeah. Don't like that, do you?

Look, I'll try to break this down to you people as kindly as possible, and that's saying a lot for me, so give me some credit.

I can somewhat understand your crazy urges to try and document my entire life. But did you ever stop to think that maybe… just maybe… I don't want my whole childhood and so forth jotted down!? If I did, I would be writing it all here. In a journal that is supposed to be private, but so obviously not.

If you think I'm just being whiny, like Winry believes, let me tell you that Alphonse doesn't appreciate these stalker mannerisms either. I mean, you only exposed the most embarrassing moment in his life when he had that accident in bed. Sure, I thought it was hilarious, but do you all think the whole world had to know?

Did the world need to know that I accidentally touched a woman's breast?

Did the world need to know that me and my brother nearly starved on a deserted island with a masked man who had nothing better to do than steal our meals and beat the shit out of us? _I found out who that bastard turned out to be too. _

Anyways, regardless of your persistent need to stalk me, I better not end up seeing some random show pop up in the near future, titled, _'The Merry Life of Emily Elric'. _It's not like she'll have too many interesting things to say about her life anyways. She won't be going many places. Nope. She'll be under house arrest for a good portion of her life.

Now on another note, moving away from the stalker topic… I'd like to note that my hyperactive wife has somehow become interested in getting some sort of part time job, alongside her usual automail work. I expected her to choose something along the lines of a car mechanic or something. Anything that had to do with bolts, screws, and all that other crap. So I was shocked and a little more than amused when she told me she wanted to work at a nearby ice cream shop down the street- she wanted to know what I thought about the idea, but I was too busy laughing my ass off. Just visualizing Winry behind the counter scooping ice cream and applying rainbow sprinkles just seemed hilarious to me. It still does. I got smacked in the head with the wrench for making fun of her, but it sure was worth it.

Yeah, so despite laughing at her, she still went and applied for it. I can't understand why though. She told me she wanted to add variety to her life by doing something new for a change. How scooping ice cream mixes up the flavor in your life is beyond me. The only mixing she'll be doing is with a spoon.

I'll have to admit that I'm feeling a little sorry for the poor customers who have to deal with my bipolar wife. It takes the heat off of me, but nobody really deserves to endure her amazon womanly wrath- and yet I'm still the poor soul that decided to marry her.

Well, her liking for the job lasted for about two days and a half before it turned into hate and disgust. I never thought I would see the day someone would come barging into a house full of rage after leaving an enchanted, magical ice cream store.

"My boss is a jerk, Edward!"

"Really? So is mine."

"She's sleazy and she complains about everything."

"Oh… how terrible. It must suck to have to listen to someone complain nonstop. All that shouting and screaming…It makes you savor the moments of silence, doesn't it?"

"Are you being sarcastic?"

"…No?"

"Are you trying to give me a hint or something?"

"I think the baby's crying."

"Don't change the subject!"

Okay, so apparently she's angry because the store just opened and they had to find a creative way to bring more business to their door. Unfortunately for her, she was chosen to be the advertising lady. Now, I know Winry isn't always the most girly girl of the seasons, but she does appreciate looking good, as far as I know. So it would be humiliating to almost anyone when you're told to go stand out on the sidewalk and dance in a giant banana suit with a sign. It made it worse, considering a lot of people she knew passed by- which includes me. I did it on purpose, but I think everyone else just happened to be strolling right along. I was there to hear some of their comments, fortunately. It makes for good storytelling.

"Look mom! A walking banana! Can I take a picture with it?!"- Elysia

"Hi Winry! Do you like your job?!" - Scieszka

"Hey, you're pretty hot for a banana." – Colonel Bastard

"Can you dress as a cherry instead?" –Some drunk, perverted old guy

Personally, I don't say anything when I walk by. I just laugh and wave while I'm on my way to work. I realize I probably look like a military stuck up jackass, but I'm married to her, so I'm sure she understands.

I even tried to get her to look on the bright side of things.

"Come on, Win… Look at it this way. When Emily grows up and gets her first miserable job, I can always reassure her by saying that her mother had to walk around infront of an ice cream store dressed as a giant banana. Nothing could possibly be worse than that, right honey?"

"……"

"Winry…?"

Alright, I got smacked for that and called a jerk, but I did _try _to help. I even chased away the old fogey that shamelessly kept hitting on her while she waved that sign around. I helped her out of the banana suit this evening when her zipper got stuck _and _I bought her new pajamas to 'snuggle' in for the night to help her calm down.

She was relaxed all the way till she woke up the next morning.

"Look, Winry. You're in the newspaper. It says, 'Banana Girl strikes again'. I wonder what they mean by that..? It kinda makes you sound like a serial killer… You wanna see the picture? They got you on the front page in your costume."

"………………"

"…Winry?

"………………"

"……Winry…Put the wrench down. We can talk about this. You're a cute banana…See?"

"………………"

"Dammit! No! Winry! Put that down! Get away from me!"

Yeah.

So, I have a large knot in the side of my head now thanks to her. My whole body is sore, I'm now missing an arm, and Winry is currently removing my prosthetic leg out of spite. Apparently, she'll be satisfied with her revenge when I turn into a cripple for a day. I'm allowing her to do it, because I now realize that women are crazy and there's no possible way to win against them.

…Anybody want a banana suit?

* * *

Silverbell: Okay guys… This story is going to be done in just a couple more chapters. I have to start concentrating on my other one. It's getting a bit difficult to write this one now.

Edo: You can't call this a story…!

Silverbell: Hmm, you're right. It's just you and your random complaints.

Edo: You realize I didn't get to talk nearly enough about Emily…

Silverbell: Hey, there's still a couple chapters left.

Edo: Whatever…Can I have my arm and leg back?

Silverbell: No.

Silverbell: Anyways, yeah. I do realize that this was meant to talk about his family most of the time, but I kinda let Edward go and off he went complaining about other things. So the next few chapters which will probably be the last, will focus on Emily for the most part. This chapter was a bit different, but hope it's okay.


	13. The Military Bedtime Story

Warning: Alright, I'd really rather not have to put a warning on a story that's typically just for humor and a good few laughs, but it seems I must. If there is any reason as to why this story or any of my others bother you, I am not forcing you to read it. Any who were looking for full blown out romance between Winry and Edward in this story are kind of looking in the wrong place. If that's what you seek, I urge you to read 'Behind White Walls'. This story mainly revolves around Edward's sarcasm. Thank you! I'm not trying to come off rude, but I feel I should I should at least explain.

* * *

After another chaotic birthday from my daughter and a night of torching a giant banana suit, I'm finally back. Winry decided to have mercy on me and return my limbs, but she only did that to benefit herself. Shortly after I had managed to adjust to walking again, she forced me out of the house with Emily in order to find herself a new job. I'm thinking this is some sort of a phase, because financially, we're doing pretty damn good- Yet she insists on this stubborn need to find a job outside of her usual comfort zone with automail. And since the enchanted ice cream store didn't work out so well for her, she is determined to find another one. I suggested a clothing place, or maybe even a nice antique store, but Winry's heart was somehow set in working in the food business. Personally, I want nothing to do with working with food. I've heard customers can become rather hostile just in order to get to their meal.

Anyways, our long walk through Central finally ended when we came across a small sandwich shop that appealed to Winry. I don't know why she would pick such a place, but I figured that if it made her happy and got us to stop wandering aimlessly, then it definitely worked for me.

Putting her application in was annoying, because she constantly poked and prodded me for information on what would make her sound better. I don't know why she would ask someone like me, but she persisted, so I told her.

"Tell them you're going to rule the world."

"I want something realistic, Edward. Don't be stupid."

"You're bipolar."

"Ed!"

"You have a battered husband."

I don't see why she was getting so angry with me. The first one may have not been true, but I was being serious with the other two.

The application ended up taking a good half hour to finish, while in the meantime, I was stuck having to care for our two year old child- A child who always cries when she's around her father, and enjoys making a scene. Winry said it sounds a lot like me, but I don't have a clue what she's talking about.

I figured though, since we were in a food place, I might as well get something while being given the chance. My wife is known to randomly decide to not cook dinner, so I tend to use some self preservation skills. However, getting a sandwich myself meant getting something for Emily… something soft. The process of going about trying to get the desired sandwich took about as long as it took for Winry to finish her damn application. You see, my daughter; although two years old, can be rather sharp and, dare I say, controlling? An obvious Winry trait… Now not only can I not choose what to wear within my own home, but my choice of foods are now limited as well. Let's just say I didn't get to order the appetizing sandwich I wanted. In the end, all I got away with was apple slices and a juice box- which both ended up in my daughter's grubby hands. Emily can speak relatively well now, and her favorite word is apparent…. 'Mine'.

Anyways, the point of the matter is that my wife ended up getting that job. I took this with both positive and negative qualities. On the bright side, I was most likely going to get surprise sandwiches coming my way whenever she would get home, and on the dark side, she only worked the hours that I was so obviously free from my own job at HQ. Winry found it 'lucky' that we would no longer have to bother Gracia for babysitting and believed it to be a golden opportunity for me to get some quality time in with my young daughter. I thought it just sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. Not only was I already terrible with children in general, but I always tend to panic when I'm alone with them; Emily is no exception to this.

But regardless of my shouting and complaining about these new arrangements, Winry ended up winning and left for her job one crappy afternoon, leaving me with our 'beloved' child. It was okay for the first thirty minutes, because Emily kept herself occupied with her toys and rarely paid much attention to anything else; which was fine by me. As long as she didn't go ballistic, the day would go smoothly.

Unfortunately, I never tend to have that kind of luck.

Emily eventually grew bored with her toys and found some odd reason to start crying. This wasn't new to me, because I'm usually used to her random outbursts of tears. However, in the past I always just ended up taking her to my wife and let her fix the problem. But with no wife to take her to, I instantly panicked and tried out everything that I had seen Winry do to soothe our two year old. I took her to the bathroom, I tried to feed her, I cradled her, and I even tried to sing to her. I think the last one made her cry harder, but it had always worked for Winry, so I don't know why she took offense to it.

Eventually, I found the need to just call for reinforcements. This was an emergency in my book, so I didn't see why asking for help would be a problem. It's not like I actually wanted any of their assistance, but I was desperate so I allowed it. In all honesty, I really would have rather called my little brother, but he never once answered his damn phone throughout the entire ordeal.

So, who showed up at my door a good hour later? Colonel Bastard and his 'groupies', unfortunately. They were pretty much all a last resort, but it was better than nothing. Nobody else answered my calls, which makes me wonder if Winry had something to do with that.

Anyways, even after a long hour of nonstop crying, Emily was still holding strong and forcing herself to carry on as though someone had just stolen away her best friend. In this case, that might be true, because we all know how attached children can be to their mothers. But regardless, I had to find some way of making her stop the annoying noise. I had been banking on Hawkeye showing up with the jackass Mustang, but apparently she had work to do and couldn't make it.

It's a shame that not one woman came to my aid that day- Only unwanted military personnel with half baked ideas.

Mustang felt that the only reason females cry is their lack of being introduced to good charm. Apparently, he didn't feel that age mattered, which disturbed me.

Havoc believed a good smoke could cure anything, but once again, I don't think either of the two was considering my daughter's age in these cases.

Breda offered Emily a donut, but I instantly shot down that idea. I already had a two year old throwing a temper tantrum, so I didn't feel like having her on a sugar high soon after.

Falman just insisted on spouting off information and the development of two year olds and their random activities they pursued in. A lot of it, I already was aware of. Emily could walk, speak simple two to three word sentences, feed herself with a spoon, use the 'potty', and overall just be a big pain in the ass. The day she learned to walk was the day I realized that things were going to get so much harder. However, I was pleased when we managed to teach her to go to the bathroom on her own.

I felt this was a little awkward, because she would randomly grab my hand at times during the day and lead me to the bathroom to show me her 'accomplishment'. Winry was ecstatic, but I just felt…uncomfortable. Either way, I still had to clap to show that I was proud.

Hearing her speak the first time had made me proud, because her first word had been 'dada'. I realize this is many children's first thing that ends up coming out of their mouth; seemingly because it's easier to say than 'mama'. This usually gets women angry and whatnot, but their day in the spotlight comes later. Besides, it makes us happier. Men rarely get really excited over such things as simple as that, but it's showing interest, so women should be proud of their husbands. Instead, we get the evil eye for some reason.

Anyways, back to the topic of my babysitting issue and the horrid temper tantrum my daughter was throwing, I was running at a loss of what to do. The so-called helpers I called over were proving to be just about as useless as Mustang is overall on a rainy day. But thankfully, one of them had come up with a decent idea.

Fuery.

"Do you think maybe she would appreciate a story? It might help her fall asleep for her nap."

"Mm, I don't know any stories, and I'm not good at telling them either."

"We can make one up… We'll all just take turns."

Sounded great, but I forgot that the ones with me were hopeless losers. I wasn't expecting our story to come out all that successful. I was correct with my assumption…I was the first to start it out.

Edward- Once upon a time, there lived a _tall_ prince who ruled over a kingdom of short people. This prince was named Edwin. Prince Edwin was a fine young man, who read science books in his spare time to increase his knowledge. He also loved to research the elements and… And eat pie daily without gaining a pound! Prince Edwin often went into town to look over the short people and make sure none of them were growing to his height or above them. If they were, they were immediately thrown in a dungeon and given coffee daily to stunt their growth! There would be no milk allowed either, for it was banned in the country of short people.

Mustang- One day, a handsome young man visited this ridiculous country to seek out the infamous _tall _Prince Edwin. It had been said the boy of royalty was actually no taller than an inch over the short people and was quite the midget himself. This man whole heartedly planned to overthrow the flea and take it upon himself to rule over the short people and gather beautiful woman to form a harem in the palace.

Havoc- Smoking was permitted in the palace.

Breda- Dogs were banned from the country too.

Falman- Um…

Fuery- But peace and harmony_ always _prevailed in this country!

Edward- Yes. Peace and harmony did always prevail... Until the evil sorcerer, Royo appeared! Feeling threatened by his presence, Prince Edwin dispatched guards to go and arrest the jerk and throw him in dungeon for all eternity with coffee and stale chips to eat everyday!

Mustang- But it wasn't so easy. The evil sorcerer was a difficult threat to deal with. He had many minions to help aid him in overthrowing the midget prince. Breaking into the palace after a long fight, the sorcerer hunted down Edwin and forced him to face his most formidable enemy. Milk!

Havoc- In the meantime, one evil minion was flirting with a cute servant girl in the hallway.

Breda- And another had located a chess table to steal.

Falman- Um…

Fuery- The last minion attempted to make peace between the sorcerer and the mighty prince.

Edward- But the tall prince would not be swayed by the minion's mention of peace, and was instead battling long and hard with the evil bottle of milk! In the end, Edwin used the power of his wonderful science and shattered the ugly bottle, spilling the disgusting drink on his polished floor!

Mustang- Then the evil sorcerer summoned an army of cows… forcing the midget prince to surrender and hand over his crown. The End.

Needless to say, this story ended abruptly with the bastard's persistent need to win and make sure that it closed with something in his favor. I personally thought it was cheating, and I complained about it for a good while, but figured it wasn't worth the effort when I found out that our entire reason for doing the ridiculous thing had paid off. I didn't hear any crying, and I didn't detect any movement from the bundle of blankets I had set my daughter within. Instead, I was shocked to find her sleeping away with her thumb in her mouth and curled into a disgustingly cute fetal position, completely oblivious to my unhappiness with the ending of a story that was _supposed_ to be entertaining her.

Sometimes I wonder whether adults should feel offended when their children fall asleep after story time. The purpose is to help them fall asleep, but you have to wonder if they find the story a total snore and just end up passing out to end their misery of actually having to listen. I suppose_ I _would want to just sleep too if I was faced with information of killer cows invading a fairytale country.

Regardless, Emily was taking her nap and I had to end up thanking the losers for making an effort to come down and help me. All of them had complained of something else they had to do, but I really doubted they had anything all that important aside from flirting, smoking, or just lazing around on their asses.

However, since Winry had insisted I do the babysitting alone in order to _help _me understand children better; I had to rush to kick them all out of my house. Winry only worked a couple hours for the day, so I knew she would be coming back soon and most likely be expecting chaos and crying. So of course when she stepped into the door and was met with peace and quiet, I couldn't help but feel proud and rather smug as I relaxed on the couch and read through one of my favored alchemy books. Now don't get me wrong, I fully intended to tell her all about our daughter's unnecessary need to throw a tantrum and demand attention, but I just wanted to feel good afterwards about how well I handled the situation. It makes me feel like a jerk for taking all the credit, but it's not like I got to announce Emily's actions anyways. It just so happened that my wife had a terrible day, and she didn't hesitate to share while munching vigorously on a sandwich she had made at the shop.

"Today was awful."

"I'm sorry, Win."

"I burned bacon today, dropped a customer's food on the floor, slipped and fell in the lobby, cut my finger while slicing bell peppers, cut my other finger while cleaning out the oven, and cut another while trying to rush and open a box loaded with chips."

"Wow… Your day really sucked, didn't it?! I mean… um… sorry."

"Yeah, thanks Edward. Anyways, how's the baby?"

This question made me want to complain about all the trouble our child put me through. She busted my eardrums, stung my pride by having to call for help, and caused my character in a story to be beaten by merciless cows. But considering the fact that my wife had a terrible day, I realized that, although as unfortunate as it may be, I was Winry's husband. It was my job to candy coat her day and spoil her after having a miserable day at her job. In all honesty, I just wanted to point and give her the 'I told you so' speech. Instead, I took pity on her and gave her a rather affectionate kiss before giving her my answer.

"The baby…? She… she was an angel."

Through a lie, one is bound to twitch, but Winry was grateful for the news all the same. Little does she know of our daughter's demon spawn attitude while she's was away. Little does she know…

* * *

Silverbell: Makes me wonder if there will ever be an 'Edward's Wonderful World of Teenagers' later on down the line. As for Winry's miserable day, a lot of stuff that happened to her…happened to me when I was working. Anyways, I have to end this soon like I said… I have to start focusing on 'Behind White Walls'. Heh.

Edward: -Munches on a sandwich-

Emily: Mine! –grabs at-

Edward:……………

Silverbell: Poor Edo. XD Anyways, please please please read and review! Thank you!


	14. Woman Products

Warning: Alright, I'd really rather not have to put a warning on a story that's typically just for humor and a good few laughs, but it seems I must. If there is any reason as to why this story or any of my others bother you, I am not forcing you to read it. Any who were looking for full blown out romance between Winry and Edward in this story are kind of looking in the wrong place. If that's what you seek, I urge you to read 'Behind White Walls'. This story mainly revolves around Edward's sarcasm. Thank you! I'm not trying to come off rude, but I feel I should I should at least explain.

* * *

Remember awhile back I had been dreading the day my daughter would hit true puberty and become in dire need for 'woman products'? Well, it obviously hasn't come yet, because Emily is still just a simple two year old. If she did at this age, I would be rather disturbed.

But still, I forgot to take into consideration that I _do_ have another female living in the same household as myself, who _does_ have that 'time of month'. However, I never pegged her for being one to shame me by making my sorry ass step out of our house to retrieve those strange feminine products. It's humiliating for a man to go sauntering around an aisle that's clearly meant for women. And sure, it's easy to say that people can get the gist and piece together that the said man is most likely getting something for his wife, girlfriend, or daughter… but it doesn't stop the chortles and rude snickering and stares while you shop.

It's hard enough trying to differentiate between the countless shelves of fluffy packages and boxes that are repetitively reading something along the lines of 'Strawberry scented' or 'heavy absorption'; yet you also have to deal with jerks passing by and muttering under their breath about how 'uncommon' it is to see a man wandering around such an area meant for women. I'm sure there are plenty of ladies who make their husbands go take a trip to the store to bring home the things they need to carry on through their... cycle. Yet the stares continue as though it's the strangest thing in the world.

Now then, since you all are most likely getting the point I'm trying to make, I'll continue. To be blunt, Winry is currently immobilized with the pain that a good portion of you women feel when nearing that 'time of month' as you say. And because my darling wife lacked the responsibility of remembering to buy what she needed ahead of time, she decided to dump the chore on me. And it's not like I understand any of the strange female lingo that goes along with buying such things. Still… I love her so I did attempt to understand.

I failed… but it was an attempt no less.

"It's with the wings, Edward. Get the box that says it has wings."

"Wings? Wha-"

"And extra protection and padding."

"Paddi-huh?"

"Would it help if I wrote it down?"

"Not really, no."

"Would it help if I told you to just get a different type?"

"Um…no."

"Oh for god's sake, Edward."

"Why can't you just come with me?"

"Because…"

"Because…?"

"I have cramps."

What in the hell does wings have to do with a woman's menstrual cycle?! Winry tried again and again to explain it to me, but I just don't understand. And if you would even suggest I was ever in the bathroom with her while she ever… fixed all of that up, you're sadly mistaken. I never had the courage. You all can nag at me all you want and tell me that it would only be natural to start seeing the work of Mother Nature, but I'll have you know I saw plenty of her work when it came to the birth of Emily. I don't need to see anymore of it.

However, because I actually am a loving husband, albeit sarcastic, I did end up going down to that store to go get those things for her. I even brought Emily along with me so I wouldn't feel so awkward. It turns out that was probably the biggest mistake I ever made.

The walk down the street was no trouble at all, and I got enough cooing from nearby neighbors to last me a lifetime. It somehow still seems fascinating to people when they see someone like me walking down the sidewalk with a two year old holding my hand and calling me 'dada'. I still get teased ever so often about it. But it's preferable over the short jokes.

Now despite telling Winry that writing down what she needed would do little to help me, I had her do it in the end anyways, if only for memory purposes. I wasn't promising to bring back exactly what she wanted, but if I at least had the name and vague description, I figured my chances of returning with something similarly close would be high. Her woman products weren't the only things I was supposed to be picking up. The few items she claimed she needed turned out to be quite a long list by the time I received it. And a good deal of it had nothing to do with that cycle of hers.

It was my assumption that women usually liked to shop for their own things, but I'm presumably wrong when it comes to Winry. Her cramps must have been 'Grade A' pain, or she just really trusted me enough to bring home all of the proper things. I'll make an educational guess and say it was the cramps.

Anyways, because I am prone to procrastination, I decided that the very first thing on the list could be the last. It was the main reason I was in the store, but I figured that either way it was going to be finding itself in the shopping cart in the end regardless. But the less time it was seen in view with myself, the better.

Instead, I moved on to the other myriad of things that my wife instructed me to buy- all the while, bringing my bouncy daughter right alongside me. The list personally seemed overwhelming to me, but I suppose seeing through a woman's eyes, it wouldn't be so much. My thoughts on this would have been different if I was supposed to have picked up some lab equipment or something- I tend to get excited when I am confronted with anything that has to do with science. And I don't care if you all think that's a geeky quality either.

Well, okay… the second thing on the list was lipstick. Winry is never usually one to wear this stuff, but she is the type to have it in handy in case some formal event comes sneaking up behind the corner. I had figured that picking out a tube of lipstick given the name, 'Sugar Sugar' would be easy enough…

Until I got into the aisle.

I had been under the impression that the female hygiene aisle was the only area I should really be cautious of inside of a store. I'm starting to learn that _any _aisle with womanly things within it is a danger zone and a big pain in the ass to hang around. I'm certain women could camp out in these particular places and stay happy for a good couple of weeks, but when it comes to men, it's not the same story.

You can't possibly imagine how I felt being surrounded by a rush of 'pretty' colors when I stepped through there. Emily seemed to like it, and convinced herself that we had stepped into 'The Land of Rainbows'.

Rainbows my ass…

This was 'The Land of Tutti Fruity Hell'.

I had believed that Winry's lipstick name was ridiculous enough, but the more I started to look around at the other ones, I found myself believing that my wife's was the only reasonable one among them.

-'Tickle Me Pink'

-'Bubblegum Kiss'

-'Ice Princess'

-'Spicy Lips'

- 'Heart Attack'

-'Powderpuff'

I believe those were the tolerable ones. And despite seeing almost every other ridiculous shade of lipstick, I was having the hardest time finding the one specifically for Winry, but I refused to ask for help. Instead, I decided to let Emily pick out a color. I told her to choose one that she felt would look nice on 'mommy'. She ended up picking out something called 'Cocoa Melt'. It sounded girly enough, so I threw it in the cart and went onto the next thing on the list.

Shampoo.

This was something I felt I could appreciate. I really kind of like the smell of Winry's hair, so I felt more accepting and open when it came to snagging that item off of the shelf. In fact, I somehow got carried away and started to think a little more on the selfish side. I figured if one bottle of shampoo for women smelled good, I was sure that there were many others. And since I wasn't patient enough to just try and test them out, I decided to throw a group of them all in the cart and be done with it. I even got Emily to toss a few inside.

A year supply of shampoo- Winry would be thrilled.

So I traveled through the store with my daughter seeking out the other strange items on the list that ranged from food to cosmetics and medication.

Choosing the medication ended up being my stopping point to where I just had to ask for help. I wasn't sure if there was supposed to be some sort of special concoction that was made to specially treat those pains that my wife complained about. Winry didn't give me any specification for her medicine, but just begged me to go get some. So I was stuck having to scope out some employee roaming around.

Needless to say, I think the man probably felt I was some sort of psychotic kidnapper with a mini sidekick. I guess anyone would get suspicious if they saw a cart full of shampoo, cosmetics, food, and now medication.

_Obviously_, I'm some lunatic who holds women captive in my living room and goes on weekly shopping trips to buy their basic needs.

_Obviously_, I am some criminal mastermind who also loves to pull around a two year old in an attempt to appear more casual. I just love women so much, I have to keep them prisoners in my house and perform alchemic experiments on them…just because I can.

Give me a break… That speech right up there belongs to Mustang.

So after grabbing ahold of the box of pills, I decided to bother the man more for some sleeping medication. I thought I was trying to be nice, considering that the best way to get rid of pain is sleep it off. I was already imagining how happy Winry was going to be. Nice lipstick, a bunch of shampoo, delicious food, and some good medicine to help her relax. I figured what more could a woman ask for?

The employee continued to stare at me like I was nuts, but it's not like he knew the problem- Even though he should have, because I explained my reasoning to him. But ignoring him, I moved on to the last thing on my list…

Woman Cycle protection pad things!

By this point, I just wanted to go home and really had no interest in going down that damn aisle. I had done a lot and it was already humiliating enough to roam through the store with a cart filled with things just for women.

However, I didn't bring my young 'sidekick' with me for nothing. I was aware that Emily didn't know how to read, but I sure could guide her to the right spot by pointing and allowing her to just pick up one of the packages. I even gave her a nudge down the aisle while I stayed behind with the cart.

I was planning on giving her instructions, and I was planning on getting the hell out of the store as soon as possible. Understand, this is what I was _planning _on doing, but I'm sure you're aware that everything didn't run as smoothly as I would have liked. It never does…

Instead, I was tapped rather rudely on the shoulder by an unwelcome stranger, who oddly enough was accompanied by that same employee who had been giving me the odd look while I had been asking him for medication. And the said stranger uncomfortably resembled an officer- An officer who was also being uncomfortably nosy.

"You…uh… shopping alone, young man?"

"Yeah? With my daughter… What's it to you?"

"What have you got in the cart?"

"What in the hell does it look like? Things for women!"

"Who are they for?"

"My wife!"

I gathered that all of the things in my cart was starting to look a little strange, but I never figured I looked suspicious or anything! And it's not like I was lying! All of the things in the cart were for Winry! I even had proof by showing them the list!

But that didn't seem to work either…

The officer just glanced in the cart, pulled out two different brands of shampoo and stared at me.

"Any reason why your wife would want you to buy two different types of shampoo for completely different hair textures…?"

Obviously, this man had a wife too. And he sure knew about woman products better than I did.

"Are you trying to tell me I'm not married?"

"That's not what I'm saying young man."

"Are you telling me I'm too small to be married?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'll have you know I have the ring to prove it!"

I even tried to point to my daughter as proof, but they just weren't buying it. And obviously, they didn't seem to know nor care whether I was part of the military or not. Unfortunately, I didn't even bring my watch to show either… But who would have thought bringing a damn military proof of ID to a shopping market would be necessary?

But I'll have you know this isn't the first time I've been seen as suspicious. This officer was starting to remind me of a certain annoying detective back in a little city of water. But that was different… I was being seen as a thief. This situation was looking a lot more insulting.

"Look, are you trying to hint to me that I'm hiding multiple women? You know, I could be a father of ten!"

"Are you?"

"Well no… but I could be!"

"Fascinating…"

Well no matter how fascinating I was to this bastard, I just wanted to check out these humiliating items and head home. But as usual, I seem to find trouble no matter where I run off to. This is why Winry possibly will divorce me in the far future- too much trouble for my poor wife.

Now somewhere through this entire conversation, my troublemaking daughter decided to take things upon herself and get Winry's things from the aisle without the instruction. Apparently, she didn't see why carrying a whole package would be useful, so she ripped it open and carried a bundle of those…pads over to me and dropped them in the cart without a care in the world.

Needless to say, this made matters worse…

"You planning on paying for those, young man?"

"Look, she's two years old…! Give me a damn break! I was going to pay for the whole package!"

So now I was looking like some suspicious kidnapper _and _a thief! And why?! All because of the damn woman products! This is why men can't go shopping for women! You buy a bunch of things like this and you either get pegged as suspicious or they'll talk about you behind your back and whisper that you're a cross dresser! Bastards!

"Why don't you show me where you're living, young man?"

"Don't you… need like a warrant to search my house or something before you do that?"

"I need to know where you live first."

"I'll give you my address."

"You could be lying."

"Do you really, honestly think I'm hoarding women away in my house?!"

"I never said that, son… But you sure keep mentioning it a lot. There _have_ been some reports..."

So I was obviously making _myself _look bad. But who in the hell wouldn't get defensive!? I was innocently shopping and then suddenly accused of something ridiculous! Why in the hell would I want a bunch of women kept up in my house anyways!?

"Whatever… can I just buy these things first?"

"You sure can… don't forget the pads."

So I paid for those humiliating things and had the nosy cop follow me home, minus the stupid market employee. I couldn't have Emily help with too many things, so I was forced to carry all the bags by myself. It's not like the rude officer was going to help me. And it's not like I was worried about him finding anything anyways… I just found it annoying that I had someone following me home. I expected my daughter, but a police officer was not within my expectations.

So the moment I reached my house, I decided to complain about this inconvenience and let the guy know just how unhappy I was with everything.

"I'm trying to tell you there's only one person in that house, and it's my wife. There is no way I would have a group of women in my house!"

"Yeah, yeah… We'll see."

And indeed we did…

After placing the bags down by the front, I searched around for the keys in my pocket and quickly unlocked the door to move inside. I was planning on pointing out the lack of females in the room and was also planning on complaining to the officer about the continued inconvenience of his company… Let us note that I plan to do a lot of things, but because of certain misfortune, these moments don't quite come to fruition…

In the house, I found that my darling wife had apparently decided to invite some people over while I was gone, obviously disregarding the cramps she had. But she must have been in pain, because I could tell she had been crying… So I'm guessing it was some sort of sympathizing party that included tea. And would you even believe me if I told you every one of them was a woman? Specifically, Sheska, Gracia, Paninya, and Rose…

Needless to say, the officer beside me didn't look all that amused.

"No other ladies in the house, huh?"

"It's not what it looks like! I know them!"

"Yeah, I'll bet you do…"

"You can't talk to me this way! The blonde one is my wife…!"

"Why is she crying…?"

"Because she's on her period, you big oaf!"

Now I'm sure you know that all of this was straightened out over a given time, but I am just trying to make a point. I hate shopping, I never want to go down that aisle again, I fully intend to hunt that market employee down, and sympathizing tea parties should be banned.

And you know what Winry had to say after all of this was over? After all of my heartbreaking effort and misery I had to go through…

"Ed, you didn't get the ones with the wings…"

I never want to hear about a pad again! I never want to see a pad! A pad with or without those damn wings! I don't want to go down 'The Land of Rainbows' ever again, and I don't want to touch another bottle of women shampoo as long as I live…!

You see this?! This writing crap doesn't help me relax! It just pisses me off more! Whoever said writing out your feelings is supposed to help is a liar! You know what helps me feel better?! Beating the shit out of Mustang! In fact… That's what I think I'll do right now!

It would bring peace and tranquility to my heart to see the colonel with a black eye and missing teeth…How's that for writing my feelings?

* * *

Silverbell: Alright, I believe there is only going to be one more chapter of this story before it's finished.

Edo: It's not a story! All I do is complain about things!

Silverbell: Very true…But…oh well. We need to kick you back into your doctor personality anyways with the other story.

Edo: You do still realize that I'm scared of needles, right?

Silverbell: Shhh! Read and Review please!


	15. The Final Note

Warning: Alright, I'd really rather not have to put a warning on a story that's typically just for humor and a good few laughs, but it seems I must. If there is any reason as to why this story or any of my others bother you, I am not forcing you to read it. Any who were looking for full blown out romance between Winry and Edward in this story are kind of looking in the wrong place. If that's what you seek, I urge you to read 'Behind White Walls'. This story mainly revolves around Edward's sarcasm. Thank you! I'm not trying to come off rude, but I feel I should I should at least explain.

* * *

Well that about does it kiddies…

I've gone through hell for a good two years and you busybodies have been around to thoroughly enjoy it. I've decided that from now on, the only ones who will be able to laugh at me and my misfortunes will be my wife and my daughter… I'm sure the damn colonel will find his own ways to poke fun at me, but I'm a wholehearted believer in revenge when it comes to flame alchemists.

I've shared my problems on holidays with all of you; I've expressed my pure hatred when it comes to cooking, and my loving interest in the smell of Winry's hair with additional shampoo information. You all now know that I never seem to get any cake at parties, and my wife once dressed in a banana suit and currently works at a sandwich shop for extra pay.

I can proudly say that none of you found out _too_ much information about me to the point of where you could possibly stalk me. I never told you my address; I never told you where I like to spend my leisure time, and I never gave you the information of where my daughter will attend school in the future years.

I've explained all of this to you, and I don't have a clue as to why. I'm trying to tell myself that I was bored, but then again… Winry did encourage me to write out my 'feelings' so I don't have to yell and shout anymore. But in my opinion, it always made me feel a lot better than after a lousy hour spent over a desk with a pen and paper... So I've decided that I'm going to stick to my original ways of coping with anger. I'll yell, I'll scream, and I'll complain as much as I want to… verbally.

Why should I have to get pissed and then run off to a room and bundle up in a corner and write out things that I could be shouting about downstairs to my wife or whoever else is around to listen to me complain?

Aside from that matter, I am truly realizing that this writing_ notepad_ isn't nearly as private as I thought it was. Winry's been obviously snooping through it, she's lent it to Gracia a few times for a good read, and even decided to loan it to Mustang to see if he could find certain things to blackmail me with. This writing idea is quite possibly the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life… And I'm becoming a laughingstock. This kind of thing is for girls to do. That's why diaries are lying around in their room with a lock pelted on the front of it with a key that's hidden god knows where. Mustang tells me they hide it in their… underwear drawer, but I'm not going to go to any lengths to find out if that's true or not. And please don't tell me, because I don't want to know.

I've learned a lot about women and children through all of this, and I can't say I'm too impressed. But it's definitely something I'll never forget. I now know what it is like to be a father, to be married, and to have a daughter. It makes me wonder vaguely what it would be like to have a son.

All of this may have looked like senseless ranting, but I _was_ learning this entire time! And I can even compile a list! If you ask me, I should be getting a passing grade for all of my endurance and willingness to go through all of it!

Now I will admit that I have no idea what it's like to raise a teenager, but I have a feeling it's going to be similar to that of breaking a wild horse.

But what I _have_ learned so far can be considered expansive…

I've learned that…

-Women cry a lot.

-Children cry a lot.

-Always nod your head to a woman when they are talking, even if you aren't listening. It saves you mental stress and possibly physical injuries.

-Never take your wife to a military party while she's pregnant.

-It's necessary to buy triple the groceries when a woman is pregnant to make up for her binge eating, and my large appetite.

-Women…are grumpy every month and more so when they are pregnant.

-Women…are very different from men.

-Naming your child Ethanol or Carbon is unacceptable in many people's eyes.

-Selling your little brother is not ethical.

-Diaper changes are not pleasant.

-Never invite military personnel to birthday parties. They tend to ruin the whole thing.

-Inviting homunculi to parties is never an option.

-Cake is scarce.

-Colonel Mustang sucks at karaoke.

-Halloween is for psychopaths.

-Women look kinda cute when they're sick.

-Making breakfast is better left to my wife.

-Lieutenant Breda stole my daughter's pink earmuffs… jerk.

-Emily will never have a boyfriend as long as I'm living.

-My daughter will have her own secret service if I get my way… Which I will.

-Valentine's Day sucks…

-Never involve yourself in a woman's inner turmoil when it comes to potential weight gain.

-My wife looks cute in a banana suit…

-Never tease her about the said suit.

-Never let military personnel make up bedtime stories. I suppose that includes me. In fact… Don't let military personnel do anything. That suits me just fine personally, because now I can become a couch potato.

-Killer cows have the potential to become Colonel Mustang's loyal subordinates, apparently.

-Never shop for a woman… you'll attract law enforcement unnecessarily.

-Shouting and screaming works wonders.

-Wrenches should be banned.

-Pixies are possibly real.

That is quite a list, now isn't it? Nobody can ever accuse me of being a slow learner. I'm upset because I still have yet to gain any advice on how to handle teenagers. Winry told me to ask the colonel, considering he put up with me in my adolescent years. But he obviously didn't do a good job, so why should I go to him? I have to see him almost every damn day now! Why would I want to put up with a voluntary meeting with him? Besides, I already asked him about it a little.

So now apparently that's become my next task- Receive information on properly raising a teenager.

I have a good idea on how to raise a kid, but a teenager is an entirely different story. I went around and asked everyone their opinions on proper care for an adolescent and this is what I received, unfortunately.

Winry- 'Stop worrying, we still have quite a few years ahead of us.'

Alphonse- 'Take anger management classes.'

Colonel Mustang- 'What do I get out of it if I help you?'

Lieutenant Breda- 'Free burgers and fries solve everything.'

Master Sergeant Fuery- 'Communication is the key.'

Lieutenant Havoc- 'I don't like teenagers; they get all the luck in romance. '

Lieutenant Hawkeye- 'Send them to military school.'

Warrant Officer Falman- 'Knowledge is power. '

Gracia- 'Teenagers are all very different, but you must be firm. Consistency is needed to steer them away from the bad paths in life. Some things need to be learned on their own, but a parent's job is to guide their teens on a proper path for a successful future.'

Is it just me, or is the only reliable source of information coming from the reliable Gracia? Fuery's advice along with Falman's was helpful too, but the rest of them were either downright rude and sarcastic, or just odd.

First of all…

I don't need any damn anger management classes and I shouldn't have to give Mustang anything for his advice, because he should care about his superiors!

I'd also like to know how free food solves anything, aside from hunger, and sending Emily to military school is a terrible idea. She'll just turn out like the rest of them!

And… Havoc just needs help. Plain and simple.

So now I suppose I'll just hold onto what I've learned over all of this time and apply it to future situations. I'm sure it will save me a lot of pain and heartache for many things.

I believe I now know better ways to handle my daughter, and I believe I am starting to understand the way my wife thinks. It's a good start, so I won't feel too bad about lacking in comprehension.

I believe I should receive a round of applause from everyone for going through so much with my family- Shopping, holidays, birthday parties, and so much more. Fortunately, I believe the rest of the things I'll experience with my family will be left in private. At least perhaps until my beloved daughter grows up and enters the stages of adolescent hell. Who knows? You might find me coming back to complain about that next…

But for now… its time for me to burn this 'book' or perhaps stash it away in some time capsule and bury it in our backyard until who knows when. And with that parting note, I bid you pixies farewell.

-Edward Elric

* * *

Silverbell- This… was late. So therefore… Behind White Walls is definitely going to be late too. However… this was indeed the last chapter of this crazy story. Edward needs to be on his own now and I also need to pluck him back into the doctor role for my other story. I sincerely hope you all enjoyed this. I also must congratulate myself because this is the very first story I actually finished. Now I'll be working hard on the other one! Wish me luck guys! Happy Thanksgiving! Love you all!

Edward- How much do you wanna bet that they were expecting some sort of fanfare…?

Silverbell- Oh hush…

On another note... I realize that decided to be a jerk to me and erase all my line breaks in my stories... so you'll have to forgive me. Now I have to go back and fix every single one of them.

-The End


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